Black Dog (a poem?)

 black dog in the shadows.

my shadow.

after me it pads.

sucking up my feelings

leaving only a empty shell

my bed is the chain the dog pulls me with

my scars where it dug in claws

there is only fear. intermittent with nothing.

heart pounding. nightmares. heavy limbs.

I try to tell it to go. but it pads forward anyway.

black dog walking beside me. inside me.

Why Needles suck but Nurses don't

The other day I had to go get some blood work done.

I've had a lot of injections in my life as I was on daily growth hormone injections for four years.

Despite that, I really don't like needles. Daily exposure to them didn't make me unafraid unfortunately.

I was very nervous when I went in. I'm sure many of you feel the same way when you have to get blood taken.

Before this it had been maybe five years since I'd had a blood test.

Luckily the nurse who was drawing my blood seemed to realize I was nervous. I'm not sure if it was my shaking hands or the whiteness of my face that gave it away.

She was actually really nice. She asked me lots of questions about my life while she was looking for a vein.

I felt kind of bad because I have very small veins to go with my short stature and she was having a hard time finding one.

I gripped my phone like a vise and scrolled through Facebook while she was sticking me with the needle.

I didn't watch as I was kind of concerned I might faint if I actually saw the needle in my arm.

Luckily it only took a minute or two to take a vial.

I don't think I've ever been happier to not have a needle in my arm.

As she was writing my name on the blood. She told me we actually have the same birthday!

I think the fact that she made the effort to talk to me really helped. I walked out with a piece of candy and a new appreciation for nurses.

Five things that I try to do every day

So most people have their little routines every day. or at least Monday to Friday.

As an autistic person routines are incredibly important to me. They make me feel safe and secure.

It can be small things like making time to sing in my room. or going to the same place for lunch. By completeing my routine i help myself process the world so it isn't overwhelming and i get to do activities that i enjoy.

So here are five things that I try to do every day! feel free to let me know in the comments what kind of things you like to do in your routines.

1. Coffee. As soon as I'm presentable enough to speak to other people. So dressed, shoes on, hair brushed. Deodarant applied.

I don't think I need to explain this part of my routine to anyone. Except for those people who don't drink coffee. Which is fine. Live life how you want. But I and all the other coffee lovers out there will tell you that you are missing out on something wonderful.

2. Singing. I love to sing. It's probably as close to stimming as I get. I sing every day. I love it. it helps me release stress and calm down if I am upset.

3. Workouts. Our dog dash does try to prevent this by sitting on me while I'm working out but lately I have been trying to fit in a home workout every day. ok. maybe more like every other day.

It still counts.

4. Be kind. I try every day to be nice. Sometimes my anxiety makes me a bit grumpy but I try to be mindful of that.

I have to work extra hard at it some days. But I think If you are working at it people will notice and be happy that you are trying.

5. Smile. Lack of sleep and anxiety can make it hard to feel like smiling. But i think sometimes you have to fake it til you make it.

Even if i'm having the worst day ever i try to find something that will make me smile. My dog Dash is really funny and she helps me.

Apologies

I apologize for the long hiatus that I took. I have had a difficult time. But I'm doing better now.

I came to the realization that my head was not being shared by three people, but by four. So in total there's currently five of us.

The others cannot control my body but they can speak to me and make their thoughts known. the current theory is they are parts of me that I perceive as other people in my head.

Sometimes I can't 'hear' anyone but I'm never alone. Sometimes it's hard to focus on what's happening in the real world because there can be a loud discussion, an argument or even multiple discussions happening in my head.

We have two male and three female voices including myself.

They have nothing to do with my Aspergers but one or two of them may be linked to my anxiety and depression.

I really tried to be a normal girl

I did all the things you are supposed to do.

My friends and i coordinated our school uniforms to be matching.

I gossiped over boys and squealed when they tried to show us worms and frogs.

I painted my nails and straightened my hair. I'm sure to everyone else i was acting and looking how you should. But thats when i started to feel lost.

I didn't like any of that stuff. I couldn't give a crap about boys. Or girls as it turns out. I'm Asexual, i just want to watch movies and do couple stuff without the physical side which frankly holds zero interest to me.

I don't really feminine either that often. Of course i have mental debates about maybe its just the gender issues that many people with Aspergers have or maybe if i tried harder i could feel more like a girl.

I know i don't want to talk about stuff most girls talk about. I'm unique and i can't pretend not to be.

I like video games and acting and i'm a harry potter fanatic.

My favourite youtuber is Markiplier and my favourite band is We the Kings. My favourite flavor of icecream is strawberry and i hate cake unless its cheesecake.

I have a sensitive sense of hearing and mostly i like quiet. On the flipside i also like rap and a bit of heavy metal.

I love the feeling of walls when you run your hands along them and beanbags. I hate the feeling of being touched lightly.

I love coffee, and eggnog. I do not handle alcohol well but it doesn't stop me from trying. If its spicy. I'll probably eat it.

I love my cat even though he puts white fur on my favourite black shirts. I like shirts with sleeves but that aren't tight and don't have tags that stick into you.

My pants i like denim. With an easy button and zip combo. Nothing tricky or easy to break. Black or blue. No white because it can get dirty.

I need to watch movies a few times to understand whats happening. And i ask lots of questions when the plot inevitably confuses me.

I don't like horror movies. I love disney though because you know it can't be scary.

My favourite place to be is on stage. I dream often about the stage at the matt dann in port hedland. Its so vivid i can feel the uneven wood under feet. I love that stage with all my heart.

Threes a crowd

I haven't ever talked about this. Mostly because who do you even talk to about this? And how do you get them to understand that you aren't crazy. That you don't feel crazy.

For about six months, i don't know why. Or how. But i've had to share my mind with two other... i don't even know whether i can call them people. Voices? Hallucinations?

Anyway. One is a girl i think about eleven years old. Her 'name' is Pace. She seems to be some sort of embodiment of anxiety. Thats when she speaks. Usually she's scared.

She doesn't mean to make me tense. But having my anxiety and her being anxious is one load of baggage too many.

Then there's the other one. He likes to rile up both me and Pace. Put us on edge. Right when she was about to calm down there he is being a bully to her.

His name is Callan. He's a bully. He brings up my worst memories, my worst decisions. Everything i would rather forget he brings back to the forefront of my mind.

I've lost count of the number of times i've argued with him mentally. As he tells me i'm a loser whose not good at anything and shouldn't even be alive.

He is every bad thought even if you weren't even having a bad thought he's there to remind me that nothing is ever good enough.

God. I've spent so many nights trying to keep Pace calm while telling Callan to SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

He frightens me sometimes. I'm sure them being here is a sign i've finally lost my mind. I've been through alot. Supported but not always enough.

Every time i feel like everything is ok the blanket gets pulled out from under my feet and i'm left flailing for something to hold onto.

Youtube helps. Believe it or not. The friends i have made there give me some sense of normalcy.

I have told not a soul. I thought about telling mum but she worries enough. I was waiting to see if school would get rid of them with my brain changing and all but No.

They are still here. In my mind. And they sound like a real persons thoughts in my head but they aren't. 

I just i had to put it somewhere. I had to. I usually like to find a song that i relate to and sing it to feel better. But there's not a song i know for this.

Sebastian and I

In my first completed novel Elemental. The main character is Sebastian, a fourteen year old boy. Black hair and blue eyes and a permanent scowl are his most distinguishing feature.

He pushes people away and prefers to keep to himself. For their safety, is the excuse.

He has powers that can make him dangerous. So isolates himself so he doesn't have to feel the pain of hurting someone he actually cares about.

He is standoffish' short tempered, and hard to talk to at the best of times. Truly he's just lost. But almost no one can see it.

I imagine that he and I have been in exactly the same situation.

Sitting in a chair, in the sun but not really feeling the warm rays. Head in hands. Wondering what we're doing with our lives.

I know how Sebastian will find his way to happiness. I don't know how i will. Whoever is holding the pen to my story. I hope they aren't the kind who likes to torture their protagonist.