Reasons

For me the world is confusing
And i always feel like i'm losing
Though i have good intentions
People treat me like i have an infection.

You can't catch Autism
Its not contagious
And that people could think that
Is just outrageous.

I'm different yeh
But if the world was always square
There would be nothing and no one
Would be anyone.

Socialising is hard
But i'm playing my top card
If you can see past the mistakes
You'll find i'm actually great.

Loyal to the end
All I need is a friend
Someone to be there forever
And who will never say never.

No one wants to be solitary
Even if its just temporary
I shouldn't have to be
As long as my label doesn't define me.

I'd be with you til the end
Through every season
My Autism is not an excuse
Its a reason.

Lunchtime!

Its lunchtime and i have to wait for my mum to get home because we are going out to lunch and i am hungry.

So i thought I'd list my top five favourite foods for you all!

Now Australia is very multicultral so we can eat food from anywhere in the world pretty much.

Number 1: My top most favouritest food is Pies. From the classic Australian meat pie with tomato sauce to the more refined apple pie. If it ends in the word Pie i will worship its pastry covered goodness with love.

Number 2: My second favourite is Chinese food. Its delicious and cheap generally and there are like a hundred chinese restraunts to choose from. So yeh. Good stuff.

Number 3: my third favourite food is Enchiladas, i love mexican in general but Enchiladas are my top dish. The cheese and the sauce... damn now i really want one to fly out of my imagination and onto my plate.

Number 4: i've got to say that this was really hard to pick number 4 but i have to say Spag Bol. I love pasta, i could literally live on the stuff but theres something about a good plate of Spag Bol with Garlic Bread that is just so amazing.

Number 5: my last food on the list has to be Mango. And i know its not a meal and all the others are. But it has to be included. I used to live in a tiny town that was six hours drive from another less tiny town called Broome.

Broome is the West Australian Mango Capital. They have these markets every summer where you can get Mango Icecream and Mango Smoothies and Mango salsa. Plus these massive trays of Mangoes that we'd drive the six hours home with and the whole car smelled like mango.

Ok so to sum up... i think the only Australian food on the list is meat pies and for some reason i heard they came from New Zealand. Don't know if thats true. Going to google it. See you all tomorrow.

I will not throw my laptop.

My laptop is driving me up the wall to the point that i have hidden it from my own sight so that i do not damage it with the force of my glare.

One of the struggles of attempting to write your first novel that i did not forsee is that if your computer doesn't work properly then things like Microsoft Word might not work properly and you might not be able to do things like open your files or write new chapters.

So after one, two, three, four, five attempts to get Word and my computer to run properly i rage quited and decided i needed to blog in order to not throw an adult tantrum.

So lovely readers i hope you don't mind reading yet another of my rants because i'm in that kind of mood.

Why did i pay my high school $100 to keep the Mac that they gave me which was not new when i could've gotten a virus free computer that doesn't have the bottom fallen off and doesn't run like its fifty years old!

Why can't i have money so i can afford a good anti virus that gets rid of viruses why can't i afford to get the bottom fixed and all the kinks worked out so i can use it properly?

Why do i have to have a laptop that has good audio and bad pretty much everything else?! Why did my high school even use Macs? Whats wrong with Windows?

Phew.... rant over i'm sorry internet for giving you my problems but here take them because i do not have the patience for them right now.

Social outcast

I went to my first 18th that wasn't mine a few weeks ago and it got me reminiscing about High School a bit.

I had 'friends' but i wasn't exactly in with the group. I was and am a nerd and almost always had my nose in a book.

They let me sit with them but i was at the bottom of the social pecking order. I never got invited to parties, i never got invited to sleepovers, or anything else social.

I missed out on a lot of moments that would have helped my friends and i to bond better if they had invited me.

I was in Drama with alot of them and they were more than willing to talk to me there where i was most animated. The theatre was my safe place and i was much more of an extrovert while performing in shows or rehearsing.

Outside of Drama though i was quiet because i was to busy trying to do whatever it took for my friends to like me more.

This included letting them treat me like a doormat, sitting on the floor because i let them have the seats at the table or having to run there if i did want a seat.

I was so desperate to please them because if i didn't have them i literally had no one else. It didn't end up working anyway because after four years i was still trying and failing to up my social status and get invited to something. Anything.

I had one best friend but she moved to boarding school part way through year ten. So i had to hang out with her in the holidays.

I was basically that kid that does group projects by themselves because no one will go with them. During the times when my friends wouldn't let me sit with them i sat by myself usually in the library.

It taught me alot though, like most girls will do anything for a boost to their social lives even if it means being a B i t c h to someone who doesn't deserve it.

I didn't know it until High School was almost over, but I had Aspergers Syndrome which really hindered my social skills and made it hard for me to tell if someone was really my friend or just taking advantage of me.

I didn't have a sweet sixteen even though i really wanted to because no one would come. I got a kitten instead and a year later when he died after being hit by a car no one asked why i wasn't at school or if i was ok.

High School sucked, i think i ended it with less friends then i started it with. And all i learnt was how to be my own friend since no one else would be.

I do have one friend from High School, hes always been there even though i only went to school with him for a year.

Hes a great guy with a big heart and i couldn't thank him enough for being my friend.

I don't hate my job

Ok so i complain fairly frequently i feel about my volunteer job. Now while its true that i wish i was being paid, and it can be stressful and there are alot of politics. I don't hate it.

What i hate is that i am not the best in my job, i'm ok but i'm not the best  and i hate doing anything if i'm not going to be good at it.

Speaking of work i have to go get ready for it. So this will be a short post but i guess thats something you guys didn't know about me.

Emotional pain

This last year you wouldn't think outwardly has been hard for me. No ones passed away or being very sick, i haven't moved or had a break up or anything really.

Despite all of that though on the inside i feel like someone has been slowly roasting me on a spit. I feel like a wreck, i am in actual mental pain. I have been for a very long time.

I'm mostly in the closet and carrying that around all the time, i'm probably depressed but i don't really know. I mean I don't really know about any of this, i could just be a big baby this could be how everyone feels but how would i know?

It hurts my heart to feel so much turmoil and know that i could reach out but also that I won't. I know from past experience that i'll just let it keep going until i can't anymore.

I stopped self harming just over a year ago and its been bloody hard. I don't know why but it has. I feel like I am being tortured and yet i'm willing to cause myself real pain? Why?

I've been desperately holding it in, i'm good at that. Squashing it down bottling it up. Except for late at night when it gets so hard to keep it in.

Music helps me to hold on, it gives me something else to focus on. How long will this work though? How long before things go pear shaped?

I don't want to talk, even on here about some of the thoughts i've had. I'm not going to follow them though i'm not going anywhere. For the moment.

This is bad though even if this is normal its definetly getting worse. I keep waiting and waiting but what for? What could possibly happen that could relieve it? I don't know.

I have work tomorrow so i'm going to bed. It always gets worse when my youth club is finished for the year. Guess thats another way i hold it back.

Until next time guys

Consistency

Well I posted yesterday about coming out for the very first time ever and the world did not implode around me which made me feel a bit more relaxed.

I know that posts on this blog have been all over the place some of them are massive rants and some of them are like two sentences. That stops today.

I'm going to be more consistent in my blogging and my blog is going to have some actual content instead of just me rambling. I'm practicing sticking to a schedule so that if I ever start Vlogging I know that I can stick to a schedule properly.

I'm going to start off picking topics to talk about on the blog.. but if I do ever get any followers or commenters who have things that they would like to have discussed on the blog then I am open to that as well.

So to end this blog I'm going to leave you with a quote I may have shared on this blog before, and If I didn't I should've.

"Always be yourself unless you can be a Unicorn, then always be a Unicorn" 

Coming Out as Asexual

Yeh hey guys, LittleAsh here. I felt sort of kind of bad about brain spewing in my last post and not really explaining why or what exactly I was talking about.

I don't have any followers and basically nobody reads this and nobody important in my life will ever read this so I feel safe enough for this to be the very first time I have ever told this to anyone ever. Aren't you guys lucky that you get to be first!

So I am Asexual, and there are hundreds of ways to define Asexual but for me, and only for me I can't speak for anyone else, being Asexual means that I have no interest in sex. With anyone... ever. I don't want it at all. I just don't.

There is a huge spectrum of Asexuals and I only sit in my little spot on it so I'm not going to generalize I'm just talking about me.

I did think earlier last year that I might be Bisexual which I was fine with but the few people who I did come out to as Bi were just not okay with it at all.

So you know I bounced the who am I interested in? question around in my head for awhile before I realized that I am not interested in any gender in "that way". I still get crushes but as far as being physical with people I just... No thanks.

I haven't ever been physical with anyone but sexuality is about how you feel not about experiences so I'm sure that actually having experiences wouldn't change how I feel about it.

I am still interested in being in a relationship I just don't want a physical one. I will most likely have just limited my options of who I can go out with buts that fine with me. I feel like the only way I can be happy is if I am honest with both myself and others.

I am still in the closet in other areas of my life and will probably continue to be until I feel like I have some support in case things don't go well for me. If you have any questions about it feel free to ask.

Thank you to what readers I do have ( If I do have any)

Yeh....so brain vomit

Ok so here is how my brain works. I have a though and i'll be like "ok, don't be such a baby just get out there and tell the world!"

But then i'll be like " nope, nope, i don't want anything else in my life to go pear shaped i want to wait until there is no drama at all"

And then my brain says " but there's never ever ever going to be a time like that, grow a pair and do it!"

And then I say to my brain " no, i'm scared of what will happen i want to be independent first"

And then my brain says "but that could be a really long time... its really hard bottling all this up"

And i'm like "I don't care, take a deep brain breath and hold it in. Don't you dare leak out on me!"

So yeh i'm going to leave this completely out of context for all of you i'm not going to explain myself because i'm just having brain leakage and i'm not ready yet. Bye for now.

50 things I did in 2015

Ok, so i am willing to admit it, I have been in a really bad, awful, don't-talk-to-me mood all day. I have literally not left my room today. So i went and had a shower and now i'm going to try and pull myself out of this funk.

I usually am a very negative person, about myself, about situations that i'm in. I'm just a glass half empty kind of person which probably comes from not having the best time the last few years.

So i'm going to make a list of 50 things that i did this year and i'm going to try and keep it as postive as possible although there will be a few sad things here and there.

1. I went to bed at 10pm on new years because i am a lightweight and three cruisers killed me.

2. I went to wet and wild amusement park in Queensland

3. I went to TAFE for the first time

4. I won the Centre stage talent quest

5. I started volunteering with the salvation army.

6. I cooked brownies for the first time without burning them.

7. I was in the top ten for a horror short story writing competition

8. I made a gluten free cake for my step-dad and he liked it.

9. I went to the Supernova comic-con and met Danielle Panabaker from the Flash.

10. I cried over the Flash season 1 many  many times.

11. I saw two seagulls doing the dirty together

12. I got a Ragdoll cat named Harley Davidson

13. I learned how to potty train a cat

14. I had to say goodbye to my other Ragdoll Harper after she had a stroke

15. I watched my first ever horror movie- Sinister.

16. I got a new phone that actually works!

17. I got new glasses

18. I got to see my sister graduate high school

19. I performed at Crabfest 2015

20.  I started the first Adult Colouring Club where i live.

21. I saw Ant-man in the cinema for my 19th birthday.

22. I saw Mockingjay part 2 at the cinemas

23. I joined the comittee for my youth group

24. I broke my good headphones by stepping on them-oops

25. I got a practically unbreakable pair of headphones.

26. I watched the Fremantle Dockers lose to the Eagles at an Eagles supporters house

27. I got melted chocolate in my hair after falling asleep on a half eaten block.

28. I started doing my own laundry

29. I finally saw all of the Lord of the Rings movies.

30. I read The Hobbit

31. I attended a Pink Ribbon breakfast.

32. I performed at the Childrens festival 2015.

33. I discovered Youtubers are awsome and now love way to many of them.

34. I watched season six of Glee and cried because there will be no more episodes.

35. I went to my first christening

36. I met my second cousin Maya who is six months old.

37. I dyed my hair red

38. I made a bow and arrow set that actually worked

39. I got a very awsome poster of The Flash

40. I single handedly broke my Mac computer ( accidently)

41. I will be seeing The Lion King musical ( week after next)

42. I accidently bought $55 worth of downloadable Disney movies.

43. I watched Ice age for the first time since i was like five.

44. I was introduced to Jon Cozart and his completely inappropriate and hilarious disney parodies.

45. I saw Chris Judd from Carlton football club at a bookstore.

46. I faced my fears and saw some fireworks ( i cried but at least i did it)

47.  I ate the best pork i have ever tasted

48. I only got sick like 50 times this year

49. I got to enjoy my sister having her P plates.

50. I started blogging more consistently on my blog

I can't adult

Ok i admit i suck at adulting. I cannot adult to save my life. I've only been a legal adult for two years and the HMAS Adult has hit the iceberg and sunk.

Some times i'm like this is the day i'm going to get my life together. I'm going to get a job, get an apartment, get a PS4 and a new laptop and life will be awsome.

Then there are the other days where i just want to sink into a puddle and watch youtubers for the rest of my life.

Think i might be getting a little to ambitious I mean Vlogging which is basically blogging except i have to show my ugly face to the world is an option. As a hobby.

I might dabble in games on my Vlog if i ever start one but first i'm going to need a camera and learn how to use it. I mean i know which end is the end that goes flash and which one isn't but my knowledge is very basic.

Still don't know what to do for a job though, not bad at reading, acting, and getting distracted. Yeh thats going to look so good on my resume.

Today has been good though i wrote myself a list and actually did all the things on it for once.

Even folded two baskets of washing which is so weird as i usually struggle to do one.

Imma go hunt down my kitty so i can brush his soft itty bitty kitty fur. Talk later guys.

Coping

Its interesting isn't it, how people have different ways of dealing with difficult times? Like my mum whenever she gets stressed or upset she always exercises and cleans and bakes until our house is full of cake and biscuits.

I guess she likes to be doing something useful and maybe it helps to release stress? I don't know but it definetly says something about how different we are.

When i'm going through a hard time or things are changing alot. I like to lose myself in something that is completely seperate from whatevers going on. Whether its reading or playing video games or performing. As long as i can leave whatever is going on behind for a bit.

I guess i just like to distance myself from stress, like when i was in year five and i had a pretty bad year. I just had my nose in a book for pretty much the entire year and now i can't even remember any of it because i spent so much time erasing those memories.

I think performing is probably my favourite way even though it can create stress anyway i feel like i can manage that. Nothing can ever compare to the feeling of being on stage. In high school i know somedays i only made it through because i had Drama last period.

I know that my mum doesn't approve of some of the things i like to spend my time on but then again i know that personality wise we are pretty different.

My idea of a holiday would be hanging at the hotel maybe going to a few restraunts to try the food out and chill at the pool. If there is like a comic-con on that might be like my one not at the hotel thing.

Mum likes to see and do as much as possible, she hates sitting around and doing nothing it drives her mad.

I respect her opinions, or at least try not to get to defensive when she expresses them because i know that even though i have different opinions it doesn't mean that either of us are wrong.

She wants whats best for me and maybe she wants me to be more like her and do stuff.

I'm ok if she wants to try but really i know what makes me happy and i'm going to hold onto those things no matter what she thinks of them.

One day you know i'll be living my life and she won't be making decisions for me and then i can enjoy doing everything that i love. I bet the world won't go up in flames because i bought myself a PS4 for my 21st or something.

MOCKINGJAY PART 2!

Omg i am so excited! I'm going to finally see the last Hunger Games movie tonight! I love the books and the other movies so i'm really looking forward to it!

I loved part 1, loved it, so i'm expecting part 2 to be just as good. I'm glad i've read the books though so i know when all the scary parts are coming!

I'll probably do like a review post tomorrow and it should be a good review unless they deviate heaps from the book which is a pet peeve of mine for movies.

Anyway signing off the HMAS Blogand Stuff ttyl guys!

Working for nothing

I'm a volunteer i still have to work on rememberance day but i don't get paid... grr i really wanted to go to the rememberance day service!

I hope i'm not elbow deep in dishes when 11:00 rolls around.

Lest we forget

So very not awsome

"Grades and stuff don't matter as much as you think they do" said everybody ever so why do i have to do these stupid TAFE assingments?

Why did i sign up for the course in the first place? When was it ever a good idea? Then again as the calender on the back of my toilet door says.... ( yes i had to go look at the calender because i couldn't remember what it said)

Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted

I suppose that might be true when i signed up i thought it would be cool i was not wise like i am now and i didn't know it would actually not be for me.

I think i've had enough of school i enjoy learning about my interests and no matter how much a course sounds like its perfect for you there is always going to be stuff that your not good at, that you actually suck at and that kind of stuff is not for me.

I just want to have a job so i can get $$$ for an apartment and a PS4 and a new laptop. If i had all of that everything woulf be hunky dory ( probably not since you know life is never like that but anyway)

I'm going to go do something other then procastinate now (maybe) 

Wish me luck guys.

Gaming blog... a good idea or a fail?

Ok ok ok ok, so i've been thinking very very hard lately about what i want to do. How i want to create my mark on the world, what i like and what i don't like.

I was thinking of doing youtube but as you guys know i've been having trouble with my laptop and i'm not really good in front of the camera anyway it tends to feel kind of awkward for me.

So i thought well i like writing but my novel isn't really going anywhere and i've always liked blogging so maybe i can do something with that.

This is just an idea at this point nothing is set in stone but even though i know i can't at the moment make a career out of games maybe it could still have a part of my life.

Career wise i'm tossing around youth work and a couple of other options but blog wise i may start a blog where i review the few games that i do have on the wii and on my laptop.

I would completely from scratch recreate my image on blogger. Nothing would change as far as this blog goes because i'll probably use one of my other accounts to help me manage things but it would give me something to look forward to and who knows where it will lead.

I'm actually excited about it which is strange for me... i'm going to have to calm down a bit before i get ahead of myself here.

I'm going to sign off with an update on how my fun time with Freddy went. Basically i turned on the game went into a new game was doing ok.

Then Freddy's ITS ME thing was flashing in my face and i panicked because i couldn't find Bonnie anywhere and i quitted like a little sissy. One day i shall face my fear and play straight through to the end of night Five.

Friday fun with Freddy and Friends!

Depending on where you live in this wonderful world of ours it might be thursday, or saturday. But in the lucky country it's FRIDAY!

I am looking forward to the weekend even though i have work tomorrow (which i don't get paid for.... sigh) I'm going to play wii and drink coffee and hang out with my sisters.

I know Wii's are old now but its all i have, i did used to have a Nintendo 64 which i think we sold which was a very bad decision. Seriously i regret it every day.

I have a Nintendo DSI but thats also old which is sad because i really enjoyed playing on it when i was a kid.

I've managed to get Five Nights at Freddy's on to Bob the Broken Mac. I know i'm very behind in the times since the game came out ages ago... but i couldn't pass it up.

I'm not bad at that game actually i just have four problems. Their names are Bonnie, Chica, Foxy, and Freddy. Damn them always giving me heart attacks. They don't even have to move before i start panicking.

Anyway i'm going to go and see if i can figure out how Freddy keeps popping up in my room... I'm so not ready for Freddy!

Bob the magical broken laptop

Ok, so, i think i broke my Mac. Like not broken as in totally destroyed but broken as in it no longer functions the way it should and here is the story of why.

So i have a white Mac that i got in my last year of high school. I didn't like it at first because i had to go through the transistion from Windows to Apple and it was pretty confusing.

Eventually though i figured out how to do everything on it and i decided to name my Mac Bob. Just because i could and Bob is an awsome name.

So Bob wasn't all that reliable and the school had to fix him alot but somehow we both made it to graduation where i paid the school 100$ in order to keep Bob.

Bob probably wasn't new when he was given to me but he held up pretty well for awhile. Except his keys kept falling off but i could live with that.

Then one day i picked up Bob and his bottom fell off. Thats when i realized that all the screws except for one were gone from his bottom and i was like well thata just great

So then i tried to be very gentle with Bob because all his chips were exposed without the bottom closed and it was very delicate.

But then i think I stepped on him by accident one day because he usualy lives on my bedroom floor and i broke the wifi chip.

And then Bob started to give up on life and become completely unusable. So now i have to save up to get him repaired by the apple store. I also need to get him a good antivirus.

I love Bob, he has great sound for an older  Mac and he has all my future prize winning novels stored in him so i'm really desperate to fix him. I really don't want to lose all my work and the games i have on Bob.

So if all my readers could take a minute to pray to the laptop gods that Bob pulls through and that the money for his surgery falls out of the sky ans into my lap that would be awsome.

Two posts in one day

I guess i'm in the blogging mood today, two posts in one day must be some kind of record for me.

I don't really know whats going on in my head at the moment, but things aren't 100% up there. My "dementor" is starting to make itself more present.

Its a good representation actually something big and dark that sucks all the happiness out of my head. I can be anywhere doing anything but i don't feel like i'm there. I feel disconnected from everything.

I should be feeling something, i'm laughing and talking, but there's no real emotion there except maybe frustration. I felt like this last year when i was having a hard time with things.

I thought i was over all that, but i guess i couldn't keep the light.

I know my family thinks that Markiplier is just a gamer, that i only watch him for the gaming. That might be how it started out but its more then that now.

When i watch his videos i feel, when i laugh its real not pretend. His video blogs inspire me, when he talks in some of his earlier videos about depression i feel like something clicks. Its almost as if he's talking to me.

He gives me hope, he makes me truly happy for a little while, and i can't thank him enough for it. Truly, without Markiplier i don't know how i would manage. I mean i'm sure i would but it would be much harder.

Confused

You guys know i'm not a consistent blogger and i apoligize for that. No wonder i don't have alot of views with only updating every two months.

Life is very confusing to me at the moment, i feel like i don't have a purpose. I don't know what i want except that i want to do something that makes me happy.

Thats what i want, i just want to find my place and be happy. I love seeing people who have found what they are meant to be doing in life like my favourite youtuber Markiplier.

I don't just love him because hes funny and his gameplay videos are great. I love him because hes obviously found his purpose in life and you can see on his face that he really is happy.

I don't know what i want but i know the things that i love. I love acting and performing, i love reading and playing computer games. I love talking and having meaningful conversations with people. I love writing stories and making people happy

Somehow i have to find something that makes me feel as happy as standing on stage performing does. I want to help people, i'm very compassionate, when Markiplier or anyone else i have a connection with is sad i ache for them. My heart feels their pain and i want to make it better.

I'm not exactly skilled in anything and my aspergers complicates things, i know holding a job will be really hard for me. Let alone one that incorporates all of my passions.

I don't know what i'm going to be, or how i'm going to help anyone but if Mark can do it surely i can too.

Maybe i'll finish that prize winning novel or maybe i won't but at least it gives me something concrete that i can work on.

Father's day

I hate Father's day.

There, I admired it. It's meant to be a day of celebrating your daddy, the man you looked up to from when you were a little girl. You were the princess and he was your king. It's not like that anymore though, he's not my king, and he never will be.

My father is not nice, he looks nice, he sounds nice, and he has a loving family. I'm not a part of that though and sometimes i am very glad about that.

When I was little I thought he was amazing, strong enough to give airplanes and piggybacks and smart enough to fix the computer when it broke. I was daddy's girl, my first word was "dada" and i felt much closer to him then to my mum.

Then he left and moved in with my grandad for awhile because he and mum were having some apart time, and then on Father's day he moved to the other side of the country to be with his new family. The one that I thought must be better then ours because otherwise he would have stayed.

I saw something on Facebook the other day and it really rang true for me, it was " Here's to the dads who bruised their daughter's hearts before any boy could" and all I can say to that is, good on ya dad. I hope your proud.

Cats smell yummy

I have a new Ragdoll kitten his name is Harley Davidson and he smells like warm dust. It is something I have noticed when he comes up to lick my face in the morning and it smells really good. I wake up see him and think ' don't you love that new kitten smell?'

It's so cute! Harley is the cutest kitten ever!!!!! bleherehruehruhurehuerh

queen of the wobbles

My kitten is not ver well at the moment, she's got the wobbles, her brains been damaged from a blood clot so she can't control her back legs very well and she pees everywhere! My poor little girl unfortunately the only thing we can do is make her comfterable for the time she has left.

She is only 10 months old, too little for this to happen to her and i'm going to miss her so much when we eventually have to put her down. I don't want her to suffer though so i know it's for the best.

Dangerous by Micheal Jackson is my new favorite song at the moment, it's got a dark edge to it that i feel suits my thoughts lately. I've been a self harmer in the past and the 'itch' to do it again with everything thats been happening is pretty intense. Music helps distract me.

I hope everyones doing ok out there or at least better then i am. A new episode of The Flash comes out on Wednesday so expect a post about how awesome it is on Thursday.

Hopeful

This is going to sound stupid, but i am proud that i got hit on today by some random guy at TAFE. It's probably not something most people would consider a good thing but it's not something that happens to me very often.

For once I don't feel dumb, I know that i've still got a truckload of assignments i have to do that i haven't done yet. I know that my future is murky at best and that the next few years will be the hardest of my life but I have been uplifted by watching The Flash and the way Barry Allen throws everything he has at the obstacles he faces.

So even if life throws so many obstacles at me that i need super speed like Barry's to keep up with it i'll at least give it a go. Because that's what Barry would do... and he's so awesome why wouldn't you want to be like him?

Warmth

Life has been ok lately, which is an improvement to the past definitely. There is one good thing about doing a TAFE certificate which is that it gives you something to do and sometimes your so busy you don't have time to think.

I've been struggling a little this month emotionally but i've had lots of performances to give me something to look forward to so thats been a real help with everything. I don't think I would cope very well without that way of venting.

My kitten is getting bigger and bigger every day and she is very cute. If she would learn not to lie on Mummys airway that would be good but small steps are fine until the day i choke to death on cat fur.

I wish I had more to tell you guys, but my life isn't really that exciting though if your reading this you must disagree at least to some extent.

Honestly

When you don't feel like you can be completely honest on your own blog it doesn't make you want to post stuff much.

You can't trust the internet to keep its mouth shut, and i never know when one of my family members might decide to snoop in here and see what i've been saying. My old blog was great i kept it a secret for ages and i could say whatever i wanted without worrying who might be reading it.

These days though you can't trust anything really. My generation is Gen Z but I think we need a name change.

We should be called the Blue Generation because so many of my peers have fallen into the dark hole of Depression.

I myself have been there this past year and I have no wish to go there again although i feel it is bound to happen at some point.

I bore the burden of it alone for awhile and eventually turned to self harm in order to feel something.. anything. I was not alone in this for I have found that a extraordinary numbers of my peers had done this also.. in their own ways.

One day I will put all my thoughts together instead of jumbling them and turn it into an autobiography that I want to title My life as a closeted Aspie. There will be so much more then my Aspergers discussed in those pages though and perhaps it will help people to see the depth to which someone with Aspergers can feel.

It's a myth that we don't feel we most definitely do, sometimes more deeply then others, we just aren't as good as sharing it in a expected way. We do express ourselves just not how you might expect. Our cries are usually dismissed because they might occur during our meltdowns or we might not outwardly express them at all.

We are people the same as the rest of you, and as diverse as the rest of you. We are tall, short, fat, skinny, old, young.

We are every race and sexuality that you are and we are so much more common then you would think. I have met many like me at various places on the line of the Autism Spectrum. Some people you would never know if they didn't tell you, others its plain even to someone like me.

We want the same things as you, the way we go about achieving them might just be a little different and different is fine as long as we get where we want to go.

once again

Ok I'm not even going to try and make up an excuse for not blogging for over a month.. To be honest i just haven't felt like it.

I tried to.. have a particular conversation that I'd been wanting to have for a long time with my mum but i got a bit emotional and it didn't go how I wanted it to. At all. I don't think i explained myself very well and i didn't get the reaction i was hoping for.

So now I have to be patient and give her time to either come to terms with it and i don't know if she ever will. Kind of sucks but i knew this could happen and i'm willing it wait. I mean I've been waiting since i was like fifteen to have that conversation so i guess i can wait a while longer.

It hasn't bee easy though i wrote a poem with a LOT of swear words in it the other day.. guess i won't be entering that in any writing competitions but i was just really frustrated and it was better to write it down then for it to come out of my mouth.

My mum has enough stress and even though i'd like to follow up the conversation and air it out a bit i don't want to make her more stressed. Especially since the vibe i took from the conversation was ' I'm not ready to have this conversation and i don't want to think about this right now'.

But i'm ready, i've been ready for so long. All the research i've done told me that i should feel good after having that conversation, like a weight has lifted off me. Unfortunately my weight just seemed to get heavier after that. Cause now mum knows but she has stuck her head in the sand and i'm no closer to feeling free.

I don't want things to be how they were a few months ago i don't want to go to that dark place again. TAFE is starting, it's going to be stressful, to give myself the best chance of succeeding i have to be as not anxious, not stressed, not depressed as possible at the start.

But i'm closer to the edge of that hole, i can feel it. The heavier that weight gets the closer it pushes me to that point where i'll do anything for some relief. This isn't something i can rush, to get the best response out of people i have to go slow, but i just want to yell it out for everyone to hear to hell with how they'll react.

Patience is a virtue, and i don't have a lot of it,