Its harder then you think

Have you ever had to act like someone completely different in order to be accepted by society?

Have you ever felt the consquences of mistakes you didn't know you were making?

Every day i have to clean up after my own mistakes. I have to put clothes on the right way after i put them on wrong.

I have to avoid shoelaces at all costs or spend ten minutes bright red in the face as i try to do them up. Until someone else offers to do it and i watch and think "how do you do that?"

I have to feel like a child and an adult at the same time and remind myself for the millionth time not to pull my hair.

I put my hand down to stop myself touching my face but then it flys back up like it has a mind of its own.

I have to feel like i never get to say anything that i'm thinking even though I can't stop talking.

I have to walk through life trying so hard to give off an image of a normal person, and then whenever i think i've done it, find out that they actually could tell. They just didn't want to say anything.

I wander around the house trying to remember all the jobs and all the things i can do to help... and always forgetting the most important ones.

I have to be frustrated because i'm nearly 20 and i can't walk to the local shops because i'm scared of getting lost.

I have to remember all the times in school where things didn't go right and it wasn't my fault cause no one knew what was wrong with me.

I remember all the people who didn't care that i was weird and liked me anyway. I have to remember cause there weren't many of them but they were very special.

I have to hope that things won't be so confusing and hard one day, because people will understand.

I hope i can help you understand.

What i wish people understood about Aspergers and Depression

As a 19 year old woman, a lot of things are expected of me. That I dress propery and drive a car and have a 9-5 job.

I also have Aspergers and often feel 'low' or depressed. These are the things i wish people would understand about it.

1. As someone with Aspergers I often don't know how to vocalize my feelings. I feel something and it gets me down but i don't know how to communicate it.

2. Even if I don't look depressed it doesn't mean that everything is magically fixed. Some days are better then others and i don't often allow what i feel to surface.

3. Some days, the fact that the only thing i did was have a shower and clean up the kitchen. Is an accomplishment. Because it took me an hour to get up out of bed.

4. sometimes i listen to same song over and over and over or ask the same question 5 times. I'm not being annoying, i'm anxious or looking for comfort in hearing your answer be the same over and over.

5. Even though your all so excited to get me a paying job, i struggle to share your joy. Because i just want to walk away from everything and curl up in a ball. Even though i know its wrong.

6 . Having Aspergers means i don't have many friends, but having depression means i need people asking me how i am and listening when i want to talk.

4.

Coffee and Parents

I never used to like Coffee, I mean I just didn't understand why people drank something that tasted like licking dirt. Then at my year 12 retreat, it was really, really cold, and i was really really tired.

They allowed us to use their kettle and mugs but the only kind of hot drink we could make was instant coffee. So I made one, and i wrapped my cold hands around the warm mug and that was the beginning of my love for coffee.

Now I'll easily have one or two a day, white, no sugar. Unless I'm at my dads because he has a fancy coffee machine and fancy coffee tastes better with sugar in it.

I have to decide if I'm going to go over to his for the next school holidays, I mean I do but I don't. A friend from High School said he's coming to Perth in July and if I didn't get to catch up because I was at Dads I'd be so annoyed.

I like that I get to choose when I go, but i also hate it because then it feels like I have to choose which parent to make happy and which one is going to be disappointed.

I hope I'm able to make a decision that causes the least amount of tension possible. 

It was amazing!

Amplify was an incredible experience, for those 2 hours. I felt something, i was happy... in fact i screamed so loud when i saw Tyler Oakley on stage i almost felt lightheaded.

Never, did i think i would be 30 metres from someone i look up to so much. Yet there he was, in the flesh.

I was excited to see all the other people there too. Tyler my number 1 favorite. Now i'm really tired from the show but i'm so glad i went.

My sister and i made a sign, it was rainbow and said "Tyler is Queen" which is so true. And he even said it looked cute! Or at least we think it was about ours.

If i go next year i want to get meet and greet tickets so that i can get a selfie with him.... i would treasure it forever.

Nights like these...

Nights like these are a true contradiction. My mind floats up on a draft of warm excitement and then slams back down to the ground.

Up for the couple of hours where i knew where my cat was and i had my tea and i was watching anime.

Then down, and down, and down. In a single heartbeat. Plummeting out of my control. Thats always how it goes... a massive high followed by an intense low.

Its these nights when i have to do something that i hate. Think of one thing to continue for, one thing thats coming up, one thing that will bring one of those happy moments.

Next week is Amplify and we're going to see Tyler Oakley, and then Supernova and we're going to see Rubberninja. We have to be here for those. What i know will be happy moments.

Deep breaths, because this has to pass soon. We won't feel like this forever evem though every second seems like an eternity.

I want to be here to find out how this anime ends. It will be something unmissable. It has to be.

What I can do

What I can do, the abilities that for whatever reason I have, unlike others like Drawing which unfortunately I was not given the ability to do. Except stick figures. I'm awesome at those.

I'm not as stupid as I sound sometimes. You guys who do stop by the Blog every now and then are probably like "Why are you doing this? Why are you Blogging to nobody?" its because I'm doing what I can.

At one point or another everyone sits down and looks at their life and thinks "Ok, here's what I have to work with. How do I turn this into a good life?" Well thats what I did, and thats how I ended up Blogging a bunch of ghosts and a few little dust bunnies in the corner over there.

I used to write Fanfiction, not because I thought I was good at writing, just because I was a mega fan and wanted to contribute to this fandom in some way. Of course my first one was utter crap, but I learnt the tricks of the trade, and then something happened that I wasn't expecting.

Someone reviewed and told me that they liked my story. That they didn't %100 hate it. So i kept going. Three stories over 42 chapters later. I discovered Blogging, I was Fourteen. I was lonely, I didn't have many friends, I was being bullied and school wasn't going so well.

So I started writing in my first blog, and that blog is still up, and it still gets views. Now and then. After High school I felt like who I was had changed so much since I started that i needed a clean slate.

So this little baby of mine, A small view of the World was born. I don't care so much about who I'm talking to, or even if I'm talking to anyone.

I can write, its the one thing a part from acting that brings me any joy. I'm doing it because it makes me happy and because one day maybe it will make other people happy.

Some people are born to be Doctors, or Youtubers, or Pop Stars. Other people are born to write. To string words together in a way that at least makes a little sense.

When I publish my first novel, it will be the same. I don't care if hardly anyone buys my book. As long as it makes the people who do happy. Thats all there is to it.

I can't watch movies!

Hey guys, so I have a problem.

I can't watch a whole movie. No, i'm not one of those people who always gets a phone call just as the movies about to start ( ahem, mum!) I just can't watch an entire movie or at least very rarely.

Firstly because I have an attention span about 5 seconds long I have to resist the urge to watch five minutes of one movie and then five minutes of another movie. Channel hopping is a serious problem for me.

Secondly if I sit down for any length of time I get tired and either start to fall asleep or want to get up and go to bed. With these two issues together, I can almost never bring myself to sit down and watch a movie.

Deadpool was an exception, because well its Deadpool. But usually I struggle to sit through them. Not that I won't do it if its a good movie.

Also when I go to the cinemas I almost always run out of coke before the movie starts but because I was very stingy about my popcorn consumption, I have plenty of that left. So I end up with no drink and lots of popcorn.

Then because I drank all the coke before the movie when the most amazing most explosive scene comes up I am busting for the loo and have to run through the best scene to go to the bathroom. By the time I get back of course, that scene is over. I'm looking at you Ant-Man.

So maybe I shouldn't touch my drink until the movie has started, and you'd think I'd have perfected the art of holding in pee until the end of the movie. But no, I make this mistake every single time I go to the cinemas.

And so it was written in the bible of LittleAsh. Thou shalt not run to the toilet in the middle of the movies best scene. Ever.