Sebastian and I

In my first completed novel Elemental. The main character is Sebastian, a fourteen year old boy. Black hair and blue eyes and a permanent scowl are his most distinguishing feature.

He pushes people away and prefers to keep to himself. For their safety, is the excuse.

He has powers that can make him dangerous. So isolates himself so he doesn't have to feel the pain of hurting someone he actually cares about.

He is standoffish' short tempered, and hard to talk to at the best of times. Truly he's just lost. But almost no one can see it.

I imagine that he and I have been in exactly the same situation.

Sitting in a chair, in the sun but not really feeling the warm rays. Head in hands. Wondering what we're doing with our lives.

I know how Sebastian will find his way to happiness. I don't know how i will. Whoever is holding the pen to my story. I hope they aren't the kind who likes to torture their protagonist.

I don't want to think

I don't want to think or create anything. Yesterday i was so pumped about the chaper i wrote. Today i don't even want to look at it.

I just want to bury my head under my pillow and stay like that for a long time. I don't understand.

This can't be what everyone feels like or no one would leave the house. Why is this a thing? I don't like it.

I wish i had something uplifting and motivating to tell you guys but today i just don't.

There just doesn't seem to be a point to anything. No one cares about who i am anyway. Everyone just reads one article on Aspergers and thinks they have me all figured out.

I'm more than that, or i'd like to say i am. But i'm not. I'm really not.

I don't know anymore

I used to think i could tell when things were starting to slide again. But i didn't see this low coming. It just slapped me in the face with all of my self doubts.

I suppose it is a part of depression, that it just comes when it wants to and you don't even have to be doing anything.

I can't even look at my writing, because i just hate every sentence if i do. All the work that went into those stories feels like a waste of time.

I've been blasting songs that have gotten me through hard times before. Going on walks until my legs ache. Trying everything to keep it away.

I've had so many oppurtunities where i could have said that i needed help. Or that i wasn't doing so well. I could reach out but i...

I feel like people either would think i'm just complaining or not care at all.

Where are my friends during all this you may ask? The answer is Working. Busy. Studying. Whatever.

I'm sure they wouldn't enjoy hanging out with me anyway. They all know, the few real friends i do have that things have been hard lately for me.

Its not their fault, they have lives to live and just don't have time for me.

I'll just drag myself through as much routine as i can. Try and make life easier for everyone else. I don't want to think so i'll just do chores so that i can't.

No more of 'I wonder if this is as good as theirs'

I go back and forth alot, in what i think about my work and what i think about myself.

You know, i compare myself to other writers and i sit and i think "i have to be as good as them. I have to be better than them" until today.

Today i was reminded, and i'm sure i will need reminding many times in the future. That No. I do not have to be better than anyone. I don't have to hold myself to their standards.

I only have to be as good as i can be. And that is something that i have struggled with, because i've always been trying to fit in.

Its a part of having difficulties at school, you know i just wanted to be the same as everyone else. I just wanted to be able to kick a ball like they could. In the exact same way as them.

So i held myself to their standards and i was only happy if i had the approval of my peers. And i ran myself into the ground trying to reach their level. Trying to win their approval.

I couldn't, and i never did. Because even if i was doing my best i always felt like it wasn't good enough. I'd put 110% into acting which is something that i love, and i still got a D.

So then i didn't know what to do anymore, because putting everything into what i wanted had worked in the past and now it wasn't good enough.

Then I did volunteer work and putting everything into that didn't put me at everyone elses level either. In fact, i felt incredibly inadequate compared to the other workers.

So, i quit everything. I let myself fall into a deep hole. There may have been other factors. You know my cat passed away quite suddenly and it was a difficult time.

But really, every time i've fallen down. Its because i have tried so hard to meet others standards that i have burned out.

This has only happened because i worry too much about what they think. Because i hate feeling inadequate or like i can't do something.

So i know, that only holding myself to my own standards and not worrying about other people or comparing myself might be hard. Especially as a writer. I might not always get it right.

But it will take so much burden off of me, and i won't be as inclined to fall and not get up again. You know resilence only gets you so far.

Wanting to prove yourself to the people who doubt you. 'Fuck you' energy, that only goes so far. It won't push you as far as you want to go.

You can get there. Only if you get yourself there. Because you believed in yourself and you didn't hold yourself down.

Anxiety and Comparisions

Sitting outside in the sun, the anxieties of last night seem really far away. Even though it would take very little to bring them straight back.

One rule of writing is never compare yourself to other writers, especially if they are published and you are not. Because they have an entire team helping them make this novel, and you only have you.

If you want to salvage any of your self esteem. Don't compare. Not that its easy to avoid. We all compare ourselves to others constantly. Seeing how we measure up compared to them.

Having anxiety doesn't make my writing better, even though there's alot of talk about how being mentally ill and creative are linked.

It doesn't make your work of better quality and it certainly doesn't give you an edge over other creative people.

It just isn't true.

I am Depression

I am Depression
I'm like a lion in the long grass
You can't see me,
And i sneak up on you so quietly
You'll never know i'm coming.

I am Depression
I am a poison
I seep into your blood
Into your breath
Until i am you. All of you.

I am Depression
I steal all the colour from the world
I make you so tired…
I take and take and take
I take everything.

I am Depression
I can be fatal
Because I am patient
As long as your heart beats
I'm still there.

I am Depression
I don't need to be here
I only weigh you down
I can be so heavy if you carry me
Alone.

I am Depression
One day i will be banished
And the colour will slowly return for us
But until then you just have to remember
I can't hold you forever.

'Don't worry'

People tell me that I shouldn't worry, bu the only time I can't is when I've had alcohol so really it seems pointless.

Usually its said an exasperated way, as if they are so sick of having to reassure the anxious person. As if somehow its my fault. Actually that's usually why i stop expressing my worry, because it feels like somehow its my fault and I'd rather just shut up.

It doesn't seem to occur to them that if they took it seriously and stopped making a joke out of it, i might believe them when they said 'Don't worry, it's fine'.

I might be being unfair because its not their fault they don't know about the Meditation i have to do every night to keep as much of a hold on my anxiety as i can. Or the fact that sometimes it's so bad that I will gag simply as a nervous response when I'm doing something that makes me anxious. or the six months of therapy I had just to combat that particular symptom.

They just see the things I'm afraid of, storms, crowds, making phone calls. Leaving the dog and the cat to fend for themselves for any length of time. They make fun of it, or tell me to relax as if that's somehow an option.

Obviously they don't know anything about Anxiety or the things that make it worse. See, this is what ignorance does. This is why educating people is important, so they know what to say and what they shouldn't say.

Creative writing when you are Creative

When you are a creative person but you are also a writer. You bring yourself to the most unsavory of contradictions.

By that I mean, as a writer you see the one way that the story is going. You are taught to see the beginning, middle, and end as they will be. One path.

As a creative person you look at a completed story, and see all the other ways it could have been told. Because you are all about new ways of doing things and new ideas and expression.

So then you doubt yourself, which as a writer you are likely to do anyway. You put yourself down and convincd yourself that whatever is on the screen in front of you is crap.

Its like having two ideas at the same time that are almost completely opposite.

It is hard.

What Depression Feels Like

It's exhausting. You don't even have to be doing anything. You just want to lie down and shut out the world for as long as possible.

You don't feel anything, its a dense fog that traps the darkness inside of you. It keeps the light from coming in but also stops the darkness from getting out. So on the surface you can't even tell.

Going out, having a shower, doing anything productive takes so much effort. Some days it seems impossible.

Nothing feels like it has a point, you just can't see why you should continue with things that you used to love to do.

You know that you should be excited but you can't. Alot of the time, Depression isn't sadness, its just numbness. Its feeling nothing all the time. Wanting to be alone. It's not talking to your friends for weeks at a time.

Its making up excuses to have naps and leaving projects unfinished. Its good at hiding and convincing you that you don't need help.

It feels like treading water and not being able to reach the surface when you should. It feels almost like drowning.

Showers help me Write

I start off any day where I actually plan on being productive with a steaming hot shower ( if there's any hot water left after my sisters go to school)

I stand under the water, and think through plot holes, character development and future plot. It helps me to make important decisions regarding the direction of my novel.

It usually goes in a specific order. Shower, Coffee, writing. Because the first two steps make the third one possible. If only by helping me feel human and not want to go back to bed.

All hail the power of the morning routine.

A better week

This has been a good week. A better week, the sun has been out basically every day. I haven't had any writers block and my hands haven't hurt at all. It has been bliss.

As I write this my cat is sitting beside me purring and the sun is poking through my blinds. It is peaceful today.

Sure, the clown thing that seems to be everywhere is freaknig me out but they can't get me if I'm inside

. One awesome game and one amazing demo are dropping this week! The Outlast 2 demo dropped on Tuesday night and man.... If I wasn't already hyped for the game to come out in Autumn I am hyped now.

Five Nights at Freddy's: Sister Location drops tomorrow, I have been waiting for a new FNAF game to come out since forever. I cannot wait to see what scares and lore Scott has thought up in his newest creation. What I have seen so far looks horrifingly amazing.

I love October, especially Halloween.

Here's to getting Spooked!

Believe

I don't believe in giving up.

Yet I have felt what is like to not give up for so long that you eventually cave in.

Its like sliding backwards down a jagged mountain that took you months to climb.

I have tumbled down that mountain bruised and bloody again and again. Then I have stood up and started to climb again.

Sometimes i have thought that i would make it to the top but then i get there and the mountain has grown even taller. I'm far too slow.

I needed it to be pointed out to me before i understood that if i caved in it was not through lack of trying. That I tried harder than most people could stand.

That it was ok if I couldn't get there was never something i considered until it was shown to me that it was alright.

I have always held myself to incredibly high standards, but I have never been able to meet them. I have always looked at somthing i have done and picked out every single fault.

I have strived for perfection only to have what i held as perfect work thrown back in my face. It did not matter to the person who threw it that it took as much effort as climbing a mountain.

They saw only more faults, and so it is no surprise that all i can see is what they saw.

I

 do not believe in failure, but that is all i am capable of seeing in myself.

Touching Stuff

I really like to touch stuff, and not in the rude way.

I like to run my hands along the walls or pat the cat over and over again. Certain textures are so soothing for me. The little spaces between the keys on keyboards, carpet. Whenever I go to my Dads there's a rail on his stairs I really like. So i touch it whenever I'm going up the stairs or sometimes just stand for a minute with my hands on it.

I think there's a name for it that I can't remember right now when people who have Aspergers like touching stuff. I guess its part of how we manage in the world. My hands need to be doing something all the time so why not rub them on the carpet or play with my phone.

I really like to pat my cat and feel how the fur is different in different parts of their body. Their ear fur is really smooth and their belly fur is fluffy. Its really soft too.

I don't know why I thought I'd share it with you guys, but i guess i was just enjoying how my blankets feel and thought you guys might not know that it feels nice.

I belong in the background

I know i shouldn't compare myself to others. Especially my fellow cast members in the production my drama group is putting on.

Except, I look at all the other girls and think 'they would all be better at my role than me' I can't help thinking that the play would be better if i wasn't a lead.

I don't think i'm someone whose meant to be anything other than a background character. I'm just not... Not lead material.

I'm not the main lead, in fact i'm the lead with the least line, and the only one without their own song. I still feel like i'm bringing the show down in quality just by being in it.

I know its not true. Because i've been in alot of plays and they were good and they were fun.

I feel like the me that was in those plays was alot more confident in herself and cared alot less about how she sounded and what her dancing looked like.

Now i just pick out every thing i did wrong or every time i had to be corrected and mark this rehersal as a failure.

Acting has always been my escape, and now it feels like i'm the worst person to ever do it.

Noise

When I was young I used to get quite anxious. Being the early 2000s nothing was really done about it but my Mum hated it when I got scared so I tended to run and hide with Dad. Or keep it to myself.

I do meditation now to try and keep a handle on it but whenever something happens I never seem to be able to not panic. I'd like to, but I can't do it. 

Its not my fault, I know its not. Yet I always feel like it is and it can be embarrasing especially in public. People don't really understand why you choose to exclude yourself from parties or social gatherings.

I'd definetly rather stay at home than explain to someone that I don't just 'not like' crowded places. That it makes me feel like i can't breathe. Then i'd just get weird looks and probably try and leave so i could escape.

I guess i'm not the going out type which would be fine if everyone else my age was sitting at home writing a novel as well. Except that they aren't.

If they are, they are probably better than me and already published anyway.

Seesaw emotions

I have been low a few times recently, usually for a few months at a time.

Yet, I would hesitate to say i'm Depressed, partly because i worry that people will just think i am complaining.

Also partly because i can have a really good two months of positivity and rainbows. And then have another three months of just pure darkness.

Up. Down. Up. Down. I have no idea where this little seesaw came from but is incredibly uncomfterable to have no control over it.

At my best i can almost convince myself nothing is wrong, at my worst I don't even want to wake up tomorrow.

It is definetly something alright. I had a good chat with a friend of mine. I am now more convinced that this isn't normal. But thats all i'm sure of.

Why I have to Write

Its probably not a secret that i like to write. I do. But sometimes i think maybe i'm not very good at it.

I know i'm not meant to care what other people think but of course i do.

I would keep writing anyway because i kind of need to. Whenever i open my mouth i feel like people don't really want to hear what i have to say.

They defiently don't want to hear about plot lines or character development. Ideas for new stories.

I'm pretty good at putting a plug on certain subjects that might not interest others. But only a few at a time.

Its to much effort to do it to all of the boring subjects. Its worse during movies, i can't do it when i'm focusing on trying to understand the story.

At least when we actually go to the movies i can put food in my mouth to stop myself talking.

Ok well the cat is licking my chest of drawers. So i better go and stop him. Bye!

Different Together

When your different, no matter how hard you try and pretend your not, people figure it out.

I had an aid in class to help me once, i don't mean once as in one year or one term. I mean for literally one lesson and she didn't come again.

Still, the other kids knew what that meant. That there was something wrong with me, that i was different.

That girl who was really popular in school. She had Asthma but nobody cared. Whereas I had to sit in class and listen to the boys whispering "assburgers" behind me.

They never actually asked me if I had Aspergers, most of them didn't ever speak directly to me. They were right, but that didn't mean i liked it.

In the beginning i just wanted to be like everyone else, and when i realized i couldn't. I settled with wanting to be invisible.

I learned that if you stand a certain way people don't really see you. If they can't see you, they can't pick on you.

I used to look around the playground and i knew i didn't belong there. I just knew it. So i made friends with some of the other invisible kids.

There was one boy who i will never forget, he was so at ease with himself and he never cared what anyone else thought. One of his hands was deformed and he was missing a few fingers.

We used to sit together in the library and talk about Harry Potter. He was a few grades below me. But he had a much kinder heart then anyone in my year group.

He left the next year, which was good because where we lived would have ruined his kind heart. I don't know where he is now. But i won't forget his kindness. Ever.

Rock meet Bottom

I do not recall when or how i managed to go from 'doing ok' to 'back down the hole' but at some point perhaps in the last two months i have been dragged straight back down the hole i spent most of the last year climbing out of.

I have not being able to go for my walks because it has been too cold, my one proper girl friend has been making up lots of excuses of why we can't catch up, and i have become even less certain about what i should do career wise.

I am also worried, that if the program i may be doing next year gets up and running that i will have to leave my one out of the house activity. At least, the only voluntary one.

It is not a good feeling. I am a worrier anyway but now i can't stop and i feel very hopeless. It is not normal for me. It was the one thing everyone always said to me, that i was good at having hope if nothing else. Now I don't even have that going for me.

I am concerned that even if i was to get a job that i would be to much of a bumbling idiot to hold onto it. I am not good at knowing what to do without constantly being told and it will probably annoy my future employer eventually.

I was good before, at getting up and getting things done. Have a shower, go out and get some sunlight. Get some writing done. Now it is so hard to want to do any of it. I don't know what the point is.

Maybe today is just an off day, or this is just a bad week. I have an audition on Friday... I cannot even imagine that i will get the role. But performing is all i have, i will not let go of it because if i do than i will truly be in a bad place.

Before... I wanted to be an Author so badly. I wanted to be a Youtuber and play with Photoshop which i used to enjoy. Now I don't care and that is the worst because i know i am supposed to.

I am afraid that there is something wrong but i am also afraid that nothing is wrong and that i am just a baby. Complaining about nothing. I am not even sure i will publish this post. Lest it sound like i am a whining child.

I dare not bring this up to my family,  we have enough to worry about. They don't need my problems on top of their own. I will do my best to deal with it on my own. I have never liked asking for help. It makes me feel inferior..

HEY! Look a Proper Schedule!

Morning Internet. I'd say ' Good Morning' but that would be a contradiction. Morning and Good do not belong in the same sentence ever. Its just wrong.

As you may be able to tell i'm actually writing this in the morning instead of at 2am as usual. So this Post should actually make sense. Maybe.

Also if my Antivirus pops up one more time telling me to pay for more stuff i will throw a tantrum. Seriously, if i said No the first time, why would i say Yes the 500th time?

So being a creature of routine i have made the decision to set myself a real schedule for when Blog posts come out. I've selected Wednesday as its my favourite day of the week following Friday. So starting next week every Wednesday you guys can look forward to a new post.

Hopefully they won't be word vomits and make some sort of sense but no promises on that. Have a fab day, and drink coffee for that extra delicious burst of energy.

Challenges

You know, i spend not alot of time but maybe more time then other people. Thinking about my challenges in life.

Funnily enough my number one biggest challenge is myself. Its me that runs away with a conversation and can't shut up. Its me that can't do the maths, you know its not anyone else.

The thing that frustrates me the most is a part of Aspergers that i can't do much about. Its fact that my brain, a part of me can't seem to make the right connection with my fingers.

Its why i can't tie my shoelaces, its why i will do anything to avoid writing by hand. Its even part of why i can't get a job because alot of tasks aren't things i'm able to do with my clumsy hands.

If i want to do something, like write in a birthday card. I have to laser focus, take a deep breath and then slowly write it out. Its hard, it takes forever, and the end result is still a mess.

When i was in cadets you had to sign in. It meant writing your signature in the little book and i must have done it thousands of times.

One time, this new kid saw me do it and he couldn't help but comment on how my signature looked like it had been written by a Kindergartner.

It was a stupid comment made by someone who didn't know better and i should have brushed it off. I couldn't.

I stood there for about ten seconds and i didn't say anything. I have never been as angry as i was in those ten seconds.

My friend got the kid to apoligize, and i didn't show any sign of my anger, but i was just absolutely furious.

Not at the kid for pointing it out as much as at myself. Because even though there wasn't anything i could do about it. I blamed myself.

I am my own challenge, i have a lot of things that i need to learn not to blame myself for. Because blaming doesn't make it change.

What a World

If there is one thing that is to be learned from reading my blog. It is that i am a long way from understanding the world, and the world is centuries away from learning how to understand me.

The one thing i'm certain of is that i'll never do anything quite how one expects. I've always been that way. A little anxious and quiet at first, and then nothing like you would expect.

I don't think i fit in any one place, i'm just a mixture of everything and everywhere. I'm a little weird, and i get along better with computers and mugs of coffee then i do with people.

Thats alright though, because the people who i do get. Are kind people, with big hearts. They might not be quite what you'd expect from friends of mine. Thats fine.

I do love people, but I don't care what they think. It comes from being bullied as a kid, if i had cared about what the kids at school thought. Nothing good would ever have come of it.

They didn't get me, i wasn't meant to sit around and talk about boys. I don't like boys, I wanted to talk about interesting topics like Pyschology and Fantasy Novels. Those girls weren't the right people for that.

So many doors seem to have closed for me. Because all people see is a little young lady, with Aspergers and no mental filter.

I am ok with it for the most part because i don't really know what i want yet. Still, they should learn to save their judgement for after they've gotten to know me.

If they don't like me then thats fine, i don't care, but after i've had a fair shot at getting them to be my friend.

Tired of worrying

Anxiety is so tiring, it takes more energy then you would think to have every single worry possible running through your mind at the same time.

I've tried to go out somedays and gotten to the end of the driveway. Then turned around and gone home because i'm to anxious to face the world.

I try and distract myself when i can but sometimes like tonight i have to many worries so i can't not focus on them.

It sucks, it really, really sucks. People always think i'm overreacting but they don't understand that the little thing that i'm worried about isn't a little thing to me.

Its literally the only thing i am able to focus on so if you could just... i don't know reassure me or something instead of getting frustrated that would be great.

I guess worrying is what i do best but it shouldn't be.

Tolerate It

You will never understand how much it hurts my ears and my brain.

You'll never understand because you can't, and some days my ears and my brain are full and i can't hear or see anything until they are empty.

All you can do is be mad. Because somehow you don't get full in your ears and the noise doesn't hurt.

Some days i just have to stop. And i just want you to say ok and not be mad because its not something i can do anything about.

Don't tell me to 'tolerate it' because it doesn't work like that and your just going to cause me pain. I'm going to end up crying with my hands over my ears. Why can't you just understand?

I don't want to embarras myself, i'd rather recuperate and be able to not cry in front of everyone and then get blamed by you.

The World is Great

This may be very tired me talking but the world is pretty Great.

Yeh, it has a lot of things it can improve on, but i mean, its not all bad.

Firstly there is kittycats in the world. And coffee. Mmmmm Coffee...

Also dogs, i love when you get home and no matter what they are always so excited to see you!

Its also filled with some pretty awsome people. My sisters are annoying as hell sometimes, but i couldn't live without them.

Also Rainbows, and the sound of rain outside when your inside. New book smell and the warmth and dust of Kitten smell.

Yeh the worlds cool.... and stuff.

Can I marry my Morning Coffee?

I wonder if anyone, considering the amount of weird stuff that happens in the world. Has ever literally married a cup of coffee.

Because Damn, i love coffee. I mean like i didn't start drinking it until like my last year of high school. Because thats when my writing got serious.

I don't need coffee to write. But its sort of a ritual now to make myself a hot cuppa before i sit down to write. Man i wish i had my own office.

I'm awful at using coffee machines but the instant stuff is fine by me. We do have a coffee machine. I'm just paranoid i'll break it if i touch it.

Do you guys like coffee? Because most people i know actually don't like it... which is weird to me.

I'm tired of being tired

I'm tired. I'm so so tired, but not from lack of sleep. Ok, maybe if i went to bed at Nine instead of Ten I wouldn't fall asleep reading.

I just... I'm not physically tired even though it feels like it a lot. Its all upstairs in my mind. I'm tired deep inside my brain.

Its takes so much effort to do things these days. Its hard to find the enthusiasm or motivation for doing activities or seeing people. I try to distract myself, stay busy and all that but its not exactly a miracle cure.

For my entire schooling life. I could not tire mentally, I had to keep going at full throttle just to keep up. Only when I didn't have to anymore did I realize what I had done. I used everything, so now I don't have anything left.

I'm supposed to be filling up my time with... stuff. I don't want to though its so hard just to do what I already do. A lot of the time i know I'm supposed to want to go to these things. I know I used to enjoy them.

I hate winter, its cold and wet and everything is darker. Harder.

This is what happened last year, granted I had a reason to fall down then after my cat died. This year it seems to have come for no reason at all. I wonder if winter has anything to do with it or if I'm just unlucky.

Probably unlucky. Knowing me.

I'm not having one of my good days

Most people don't talk about the days that suck. They only share the really good things most of the time.

Because there's some kind of pressure to always be ok. Society doesn't like people who don't have it together.

I feel like I should have a room which is mine. Not my bedroom, another room. With pale blue walls and a pin up board for random ideas and quotes and plot points.

A desk with a computer that isn't missing keys and has a bottom that doesn't fall off when you pick it up. With a nice comfy chair and a camera on the side because i make vlogs when I'm not writing. And vanilla coffee.

I'd have one friend, but if i was having one of those days where the words just weren't flowing. I'd call them up and we'd go for coffee. They'd do the driving.

Every day I'd get up, have a shower, make a coffee. And go into my room. The cat would sleep on the floor next to me and I'd write for a few hours. Like it was a proper job. And our heater would work.

God damn it. It doesn't do, to dream for what you can't have. I defiantly can't have that. Ha, its about as likely as ever meeting Markiplier. Vidcon, man if my channel did well enough maybe i'd be invited as a guest.

See? I'm doing it again, i shouldn't. I really shouldn't.

Short update

Going slowly insane looking for typos in my 18 finished chapters. Every time i find one, i wrongly think i'll remember where it is so i can come back and fix it.

I know my grammar and punctuation need work. Except i can't afford an editor and i'm not sure my sisters have the ability to edit.

Well at least i have coffee, and i'm getting new glasses in like two weeks so that will help i think.

Also the Outlast 2 hype is real! Just because i can't afford to play it, doesn't mean i'm not excited about it.

Novelling

I write every day, sometimes its a new project or it might be another chapter for an older project.

I do it because i have a.... i guess a need to put something on paper. To be creative in some way, to write something. Anything.

Maybe it won't be a job, maybe i'll be writing story after story for no one. But thats fine.

I'm not doing it for anyone, i'm doing it because like acting i cannot live without it. My life would not be anything.

I love to write, and i don't care if other people don't like what i write. I'm not doing it for them.

I wish Winter would leave

Winter just got here and i'm sick of it already. Its been nothing but rain, rain, and more rain.

At least in other parts of the world you might get some snow to look at. But we don't unfortunately.

We just get rain, wet, cold, constant rain... and my cat does not understand the concept of staying dry.

He comes inside soaking wet and smelling of wet cat... which has a smell by the way.

I can't wait for summer to come back... i need heat to survive.

What do I worry about?

Ah late night worries, or early morning worries, or every day all the time worries. Everyone has them but when you 'choose' to be a writer and maybe a one day published author you get your own special set.

Like, what if i finish? Now you'd think tat would be the goal to finish writing the book. But then you have these characters who you know inside out and who you are connected to, and suddenly you don't have them. Because your finished.

And then there's the What ifs. What if its stupid? What if no one likes it? What if i never get to publish it? What if my computer breaks?

Plus everyone knows that for every like a hundred hopeful writers hardly any actually get published. And even if you get published, there's no guarntee your book will sell.

I guess you just have to go along and hope that your worrying for nothing. Because its not like you can see the future.

Things I am looking forward to

Hey guys, so to give me a bit of a pick me up and something to refer back to later on if I need Motivating. I'm making a list of things I'm looking forward to, some of them may never happen, but a girl is allowed to dream.

1. The day my cat stops meowing, Every.Single.Night. I want him to relax and not Meow from 6pm until 9pm because he wants to go outside.

2. Supernova, and when I finally have my costume organized. As expensive as it will be, I'm getting something signed or a photo with Rubberninja, i do not care how many chores I have to do. or how big the line is.

3. When I make a coffee perfectly and don't put too much water in the cup.

4. The day that I never ever have to go into Centrelink again.

5. When I finish coloring in Severus Snape. Whose been a real pain in the butt to colour.

6. Turning 20, even though I do not want to be halfway to 40. At all.

7. Dying my hair back to red, because i love it when its that colour it looks great.

8. Mornings where I have a coffee and the cat and the dog are on my bed and its raining. Peaceful.

9. Getting to chapter 30 in my book.

Its harder then you think

Have you ever had to act like someone completely different in order to be accepted by society?

Have you ever felt the consquences of mistakes you didn't know you were making?

Every day i have to clean up after my own mistakes. I have to put clothes on the right way after i put them on wrong.

I have to avoid shoelaces at all costs or spend ten minutes bright red in the face as i try to do them up. Until someone else offers to do it and i watch and think "how do you do that?"

I have to feel like a child and an adult at the same time and remind myself for the millionth time not to pull my hair.

I put my hand down to stop myself touching my face but then it flys back up like it has a mind of its own.

I have to feel like i never get to say anything that i'm thinking even though I can't stop talking.

I have to walk through life trying so hard to give off an image of a normal person, and then whenever i think i've done it, find out that they actually could tell. They just didn't want to say anything.

I wander around the house trying to remember all the jobs and all the things i can do to help... and always forgetting the most important ones.

I have to be frustrated because i'm nearly 20 and i can't walk to the local shops because i'm scared of getting lost.

I have to remember all the times in school where things didn't go right and it wasn't my fault cause no one knew what was wrong with me.

I remember all the people who didn't care that i was weird and liked me anyway. I have to remember cause there weren't many of them but they were very special.

I have to hope that things won't be so confusing and hard one day, because people will understand.

I hope i can help you understand.

What i wish people understood about Aspergers and Depression

As a 19 year old woman, a lot of things are expected of me. That I dress propery and drive a car and have a 9-5 job.

I also have Aspergers and often feel 'low' or depressed. These are the things i wish people would understand about it.

1. As someone with Aspergers I often don't know how to vocalize my feelings. I feel something and it gets me down but i don't know how to communicate it.

2. Even if I don't look depressed it doesn't mean that everything is magically fixed. Some days are better then others and i don't often allow what i feel to surface.

3. Some days, the fact that the only thing i did was have a shower and clean up the kitchen. Is an accomplishment. Because it took me an hour to get up out of bed.

4. sometimes i listen to same song over and over and over or ask the same question 5 times. I'm not being annoying, i'm anxious or looking for comfort in hearing your answer be the same over and over.

5. Even though your all so excited to get me a paying job, i struggle to share your joy. Because i just want to walk away from everything and curl up in a ball. Even though i know its wrong.

6 . Having Aspergers means i don't have many friends, but having depression means i need people asking me how i am and listening when i want to talk.

4.

Coffee and Parents

I never used to like Coffee, I mean I just didn't understand why people drank something that tasted like licking dirt. Then at my year 12 retreat, it was really, really cold, and i was really really tired.

They allowed us to use their kettle and mugs but the only kind of hot drink we could make was instant coffee. So I made one, and i wrapped my cold hands around the warm mug and that was the beginning of my love for coffee.

Now I'll easily have one or two a day, white, no sugar. Unless I'm at my dads because he has a fancy coffee machine and fancy coffee tastes better with sugar in it.

I have to decide if I'm going to go over to his for the next school holidays, I mean I do but I don't. A friend from High School said he's coming to Perth in July and if I didn't get to catch up because I was at Dads I'd be so annoyed.

I like that I get to choose when I go, but i also hate it because then it feels like I have to choose which parent to make happy and which one is going to be disappointed.

I hope I'm able to make a decision that causes the least amount of tension possible. 

It was amazing!

Amplify was an incredible experience, for those 2 hours. I felt something, i was happy... in fact i screamed so loud when i saw Tyler Oakley on stage i almost felt lightheaded.

Never, did i think i would be 30 metres from someone i look up to so much. Yet there he was, in the flesh.

I was excited to see all the other people there too. Tyler my number 1 favorite. Now i'm really tired from the show but i'm so glad i went.

My sister and i made a sign, it was rainbow and said "Tyler is Queen" which is so true. And he even said it looked cute! Or at least we think it was about ours.

If i go next year i want to get meet and greet tickets so that i can get a selfie with him.... i would treasure it forever.

Nights like these...

Nights like these are a true contradiction. My mind floats up on a draft of warm excitement and then slams back down to the ground.

Up for the couple of hours where i knew where my cat was and i had my tea and i was watching anime.

Then down, and down, and down. In a single heartbeat. Plummeting out of my control. Thats always how it goes... a massive high followed by an intense low.

Its these nights when i have to do something that i hate. Think of one thing to continue for, one thing thats coming up, one thing that will bring one of those happy moments.

Next week is Amplify and we're going to see Tyler Oakley, and then Supernova and we're going to see Rubberninja. We have to be here for those. What i know will be happy moments.

Deep breaths, because this has to pass soon. We won't feel like this forever evem though every second seems like an eternity.

I want to be here to find out how this anime ends. It will be something unmissable. It has to be.

What I can do

What I can do, the abilities that for whatever reason I have, unlike others like Drawing which unfortunately I was not given the ability to do. Except stick figures. I'm awesome at those.

I'm not as stupid as I sound sometimes. You guys who do stop by the Blog every now and then are probably like "Why are you doing this? Why are you Blogging to nobody?" its because I'm doing what I can.

At one point or another everyone sits down and looks at their life and thinks "Ok, here's what I have to work with. How do I turn this into a good life?" Well thats what I did, and thats how I ended up Blogging a bunch of ghosts and a few little dust bunnies in the corner over there.

I used to write Fanfiction, not because I thought I was good at writing, just because I was a mega fan and wanted to contribute to this fandom in some way. Of course my first one was utter crap, but I learnt the tricks of the trade, and then something happened that I wasn't expecting.

Someone reviewed and told me that they liked my story. That they didn't %100 hate it. So i kept going. Three stories over 42 chapters later. I discovered Blogging, I was Fourteen. I was lonely, I didn't have many friends, I was being bullied and school wasn't going so well.

So I started writing in my first blog, and that blog is still up, and it still gets views. Now and then. After High school I felt like who I was had changed so much since I started that i needed a clean slate.

So this little baby of mine, A small view of the World was born. I don't care so much about who I'm talking to, or even if I'm talking to anyone.

I can write, its the one thing a part from acting that brings me any joy. I'm doing it because it makes me happy and because one day maybe it will make other people happy.

Some people are born to be Doctors, or Youtubers, or Pop Stars. Other people are born to write. To string words together in a way that at least makes a little sense.

When I publish my first novel, it will be the same. I don't care if hardly anyone buys my book. As long as it makes the people who do happy. Thats all there is to it.

I can't watch movies!

Hey guys, so I have a problem.

I can't watch a whole movie. No, i'm not one of those people who always gets a phone call just as the movies about to start ( ahem, mum!) I just can't watch an entire movie or at least very rarely.

Firstly because I have an attention span about 5 seconds long I have to resist the urge to watch five minutes of one movie and then five minutes of another movie. Channel hopping is a serious problem for me.

Secondly if I sit down for any length of time I get tired and either start to fall asleep or want to get up and go to bed. With these two issues together, I can almost never bring myself to sit down and watch a movie.

Deadpool was an exception, because well its Deadpool. But usually I struggle to sit through them. Not that I won't do it if its a good movie.

Also when I go to the cinemas I almost always run out of coke before the movie starts but because I was very stingy about my popcorn consumption, I have plenty of that left. So I end up with no drink and lots of popcorn.

Then because I drank all the coke before the movie when the most amazing most explosive scene comes up I am busting for the loo and have to run through the best scene to go to the bathroom. By the time I get back of course, that scene is over. I'm looking at you Ant-Man.

So maybe I shouldn't touch my drink until the movie has started, and you'd think I'd have perfected the art of holding in pee until the end of the movie. But no, I make this mistake every single time I go to the cinemas.

And so it was written in the bible of LittleAsh. Thou shalt not run to the toilet in the middle of the movies best scene. Ever.

That Weird Girl

So lets take a typical day, and throw in some of me. So a 19 year old with a shirt that is probably back to front and mismatching socks who always looks down when she walks.

I don't know why I look down. Maybe its so I can see things i might trip over or maybe its because then I don't have to look at people I don't know.

The point is, no matter what i do or where i go. I'm outside of the box, i'm a little bit crazy and creative. Which is actually fine because i can meet lots of other creatively minded people and we get each other.

I won the 18-25 Acting category in our local talent show last year with my Monologue about life as an Apple. Only someone whose a creative mind would look at a bowl of fruit and decide thats what they want to write about.

I also recently wrote the first scene of Deadpool: The Musical. Because that movie was amazing, and if Deadpool can kill a car load of people with twelve bullets then surely he deserves his own Musical.

Thats a side project at the moment. I'm also working with my sister on a short skit for the talent comp this year which i wrote about what kind of hilarity could happen if your brain had a mind of its own. As well as planning to enter my new original Monologue about Boxes. Cardboard ones.

I don't care so much about winning, I just want to walk off the stage and feel like I delivered a good performance. Even if its not something the judges see every day.

Mistakes

Ahh i wrote on a form for a talent competition i'm entering and immediantly regretted it because my writing is so bad.

Seriously you'd think after 19 years i'd stop being such a perfectionist and accept the wibbly wobbly handwriting i have but no.

I still hate it, it still makes me mad. I've had this for my entire life and i still hate it. Like if i ever go and do the Arrowsmith program thats the one thing i want it to fix.

It says something about my vanity that if i go to a program that could literally change my life. I just want to come out with neat writing.

Its a sore spot for me though, its something that drags my self esteem down to the pits of hell. I look at my hand writing and wish i could rip up the form.

But i didn't. I took a deep breath and i gave it to my.sister who hopefully gave it in. Cause i want to knock out the drama catergory this year.

Anyway enough complaing i have my own font. Yeh.

Dark place

You know. You guys are like the only people i can be 100% honest with. I don't feel like i have to hold back or hide anything from you guys.

I'm not, I can't really feel anything today. Yesterday i had a minor breakdown in the middle of the night alone in my room and i feel like something snapped. Now i can't geel anything....

For a moment last night, i understood why people commit suicide. Because if you had to live with that deep emotional pain all the time... you just wouldn't.

Guess i have to build myself back up again now. I didn't even want to get up this morning feel like any progress i might have made got steamrolled.

The worst part is that even though my friends say like you can talk to me anytime. I feel like an ass if i message them at midnight looking for a distraction.

Like i don't want to push my problems on them. I love Youtube like i'd love to vlog one day and its some days its all i have to keep going for.

I'm supposed to be like getting a job soon and stuff and even though i'd lie amd say that it would make things better i don't know if it would. I don't know that.

I just can't see things getting better. I wish that i could but ot just feels hopeless. Like theres no point in trying.

I'm back!

Hey guys. I am back from my three week trip over east. I didn't end up blogging while I was over there because my Pa wasn't very well and I was just trying to cope with it all.

He's going to be ok though and he looks so much better then he did a week ago. I also got to go to the DC lego exhibition is Sydney and that was so cool. Seriously it was absolutely Nerdarific. There were so many awesome things including a real life sized replica of the Batmobile that used almost 500,000 blocks of lego!

I also went to the Lindt cafe where the Sydney siege took place to pay my respects as I hadn't had the chance to go before. It was such an ordinary looking place, it was strange to think of what had happened there.

I got to go to Canberra where I used to live when I was very young. I didn't have much memory from living there but I got to see my old primary school which looks basically the same and meet up with an old friend who I hadn't seen in ten years.

Even though being with Pa at the hospital was pretty confronting I was glad to go and support Grandma and I actually did enjoy my time over there. AND I didn't get sick! Which is great because I usually catch something when I travel!

Fun fact: more people die because of vending machine then in airplane crashes each year.

Have a good one.

Trip to Sydney

Three days until i fly out to Sydney. My Grandpa is having surgery and will be in hospital for a few months. I don't like hosptials but someone has to be there for Grandma.

My Pa is the best. I think after "mum" and "dad" my next word would have been "Pa". Hes super smart and he knows heaps of stuff about birds.

He loves cake and he always used to read How the camel got his hump to us kids because hes the only person who can do the camel voice properly.

I really hope the surgery goes well.... I can't imagine how he scared he must be. I know i would be.

I hope that even if Pa is so high on painkillers that he doesn't remember much that he'll know that we were all taking care of Grandma so he doesn't need to worry.

I'll probably Blog while i'm over there just to let you guys know how things are going.

Until next time.

Why Blog?

Hey guys, so today I thought I would answer a question that many people probably wonder when they think about Bloggers. Why would I, a 19yr old with Aspergers. Want to talk to random strangers about my life? Why would I want that to be out there for anyone to see?

For me. I've always loved to write, I find it very soothing during stressful times and it gives me a way to get all the thoughts I'm having out of my head. I also as I said before have Aspergers Syndrome and I don't get to talk to people very much.

I'm very isolated by choice most of the time because I just can't deal with people. I've been a loner all my life and that tendency to distance myself from people still holds true today. I also hope that maybe by Blogging about my Aspergers I can help people to understand why its hard to be high functioning.

Because when you look at me, you can't see that I'm Autistic. You can't see how hard life is for me and because you can't see it. You don't know so much that you would know if it was more visible. I look like a very short but otherwise ordinary young person, except that I'm not.

I hope that if there are other young people out there with Aspergers that my blog even though half the time its filled with rambling. Will help them feel like they aren't alone. Because thats what everyone wants you know? To feel like they have a place and to feel understood.

I only have one time you know where I feel those things and I've talked before about how performing feels to me. If my Blog can give someone else that feeling. Then I know that what I'm doing isn't a pile of suck.

Anyway I hope your all having a good weekend. Happy Pokemon Day to all you Nerds!

Have a good one.

Writers block

Writers block is my very unwelcome companion. Its like that annoying relative thats pops in to 'say hi' and ends up staying at your house for like four hours.

It is absolutely the most frustrating part of writing. At least for me. Seriously as if writing a story wasn't hard enough you have to cut me off from my flow of ideas.

It can last for a very long time as well. I once had it for a solid two months. Thats two months of staring at a page and not being able to form a coheret thought.

It sucks, but when it lifts its the most amazing feeling. A sudden rush of ideas. To point that your fingers struggle to keep up with your brain.

If they ever figure out a good reason why its a thing then cool. If not i'll continue to passionately hate it. I'm cool either way really.

Funny things about my Ragdoll

My Ragdoll cat Harley Davidson is definetly a cat with a big personality. So i decided today to make a list of the things I think are funny about my boy.

1. He is so so loud!

Harley doesn't know what the word 'quiet' means. Even steriotypically Ragdolls are a quiet breed Harley did not get the memo. He is always chatting to me.

He 'brrps' when he jumps on my bed and he 'mrows' when he demands to be fed. If i'm in the shower and don't leave the door open so he can come watch he 'MAOWS' until i let him in.

All day every day Harley makes noise. Even the people who works at the Kennel he stays at when i go away said he 'talks' to them alot.

2. He likes Baths.

Harley actually doesn't mind having a bath. Ragdolls are known for their interest in water. Harley displays this by running to watch me have a shower every day and actually tolerating a bath when he needs one.

3. Hes changing colour!

Harley is brown on top of his head and white underneath. But the brown has gotten lighter since he was a kitten and his ears are striped where the fur is still changing colour.

Ragdolls take up to four years to fully mature so in a year or two who knows what Harley will look like. In the meantime hes my chocolate coloured kitty.

4. He sucks and kneads.

Harley has a cat bed that hes had since he was a kitten. Before he goes to sleep in it he grabs it between his teeth, kneads and purrs up a storm.

This behaviour is usually seen in kitties who were taken to early from their mothers. Harley was tweleve weeks when we got him so the origin of this behaviour is a mystery to us.

It is funny though to see this big adult sized Ragdoll sucking on his bed with his eyes closed.

5. Hes nocturnal

This a cat thing no matter what the breed but Harley sleeps all day and then the moment i go to bed hes awake.

He used to sleep in my room but after he kept waking me up to play he's been moved to the laundry where he can play without waking anyone up.

If he hears someone get up to go to the loo he starts "MAOWing" to tell them that he is not happy about being in the laundry and demands freedom.

This stops after said person goes back to bed.

So there you have it. Harley is a big cat with a big personality! Also hes weird. But they say pets are like their owners.

Serious Talk

Hey guys. Today I want to talk about emotional baggage. Everyone carries things with them. Everyone has problems, everyone. Thats just the sad way that the world works.

Some people are pretty good with theirs, like you know that friend that always smiling and seems like they have everything under control. You know who I'm talking about.

Anyway not everyone is that person. I'm not. I mean I'm a Nineteen year old with Depression and Autism. I'm Asexual, I'm short. I'm unpopular and I have parents who are divorced. That is my baggage.

Thats what I carry around with me every day, no matter where i go or what i do all of that is there and a lot of it I can't change.

So you find a way to make it feel lighter. Everyone has different ways, me I like to write and I like to perform. Thats how I keep my baggage under control.

That isn't going to work all the time and some people choose ways of lightening the load that aren't good for them or good for the people around them.

So all I really wanted to say is that if your baggage is weighing you down or things are tough for you right now. Find a way to lighten it. That doesn't hurt you or anyone else. It might help you to keep going. Because you have to. It's either that or give up and.... nobody should choose that path.

The day of love

Happy Valentines day! I am single let it mingle so the day is a little bittersweet for me but for those of you who do have someone special to spend it with I hope its an enjoyable day.

Also nine months from now there will be a lot of babies born. Valentines babies are a thing. I was a halloween baby. You can count back nine months from your birthday then pick a holiday.

Its so weird though to know what month you were concieved in and you don't even want to think about your parents doing that at all ever so yeh.

I went to the circus yesterday and i always worry about the performers because obviously their safety is important and i'm always worried they will hurt themselves.

I'm like please don't hurt yourself trying to entertain me like i'm not worth that much. It was really good though i super duper enjoyed it.

I'm going to see Deadpool tomorrow and oh my taters I can not wait! I have been waiting for so long and now the wait is nearly over!

Enjoy your week people. Talk to your faces later.

Its getting hot in here...

It is so hot, Perth is generally cold and wet for the majority of the year but right we are literally boiling.

Seriously four consecutive days above 40Cs? Thats like ridiculous! I used to live in the desert and let me tell you even we didn't burn for this many days in a row!

I think it might be hot enough to cook an egg on the driveway. I don't really like egg that much though so you won't catch me trying it.

I hope you guys are lucky enough to live on the other side of the world where its nice and not a billion degrees right now!

I'm going to go put some ice cubes in the cats water bowl. Have a good week Internet.

Not a good week

So alot has happened this week. I admitted to my mum that i have depression and that i need help. I was so worried that she would be upset but she wasn't.

I started on some antidepressants from the doctors but the side effects put me in bed for two days so i had to come off them. I'm half the size of a normal person so even though it was a small dose it really hit me.

I am so tired and i don't want to go out of the house because my skin is a mess.

FML.

I'm back home... some thoughts

I'm back from my holiday, personally my idea of a holiday is hanging out in a hotel and ordering room service. But i'll take what i can get.

I was looking at jobs online today, i'm trying to find a job that pays money but that i like as well. That is not going to happen any time soon.

I don't even know what i want to do, they say you have to choose something that plays to your strengths and what makes you happy. I don't have any strengths that are any good in a job.

I can write short stories, woopty doo, thats like the only thing i'm good at. That and performing on stage and that doesn't do anything. Those are strengths that don't matter.

Why couldn't i be good at something else? Like maths or sport. You can make good money out of being good at those. I reckon i could do vlogging and use my performing skills for that. I'm not at a point where i feel stable enough to do that yet though.

I just don't know what i'm doing, i don't. All i know is what i don't want.

That doesn't look any good on a resume.

Blissful ignorance

I've spent the last two and a bit weeks at my dads. Its always interesting when i'm over here.

My dad is the kind of person who easily dodges difficult topics and i don't think i've ever heard the 'D word' mentioned in his house.

The D word being Divorce, and he always seems as though hes forgotten all about that time when he left my mum and came over here.

Its frustrating because mum has no trouble initating a conversation about that time in our lives. But if you ever mention it to dad he changes the subject immediantly.

I try to remember when i'm over here that hes not a saint. He makes mistakes and he plays mind games. Its hard to believe sometimes that this is the same person who has caused me so much stress.

I think i'm just going to enjoy my time with him and not worry to much about the past. Its not like talking about it will change anything.

I hope your all having a good holiday.

Vlogs for days

You know the older you get, the harder it is to get on stage and just perform for the sake of it. If your an adult you can't just do it.

You have to be professional, you have to want to be an actor. You can't just do it because you enjoy it.

That really sucks.

I've been planning that I'm going to get a paying job and save up for a video camera. I want to eventually start a Vlog because if I can't be my stupid self on stage. I'm going to do it in front of a camera.

I write skits as it is, i might as well put them to good use. It will probably start off as a hobby. Which is cool cause my actual life is pretty ordinary so i doubt theres that many people who want to hang out and watch me do skits.

I need a creative outlet though i just feel so unproductive without one. So even if the only person who subscribes to the Youtube channel i will one day have is my sister. I don't care.

I might even throw in a few lets plays now and then cause i do enjoy games. Even if i am not actually very good at them.

Anyway i'm going on a 3 week holiday over east so do not expect much other then maybe short rants about how the sun is killing me.