Reasons

For me the world is confusing
And i always feel like i'm losing
Though i have good intentions
People treat me like i have an infection.

You can't catch Autism
Its not contagious
And that people could think that
Is just outrageous.

I'm different yeh
But if the world was always square
There would be nothing and no one
Would be anyone.

Socialising is hard
But i'm playing my top card
If you can see past the mistakes
You'll find i'm actually great.

Loyal to the end
All I need is a friend
Someone to be there forever
And who will never say never.

No one wants to be solitary
Even if its just temporary
I shouldn't have to be
As long as my label doesn't define me.

I'd be with you til the end
Through every season
My Autism is not an excuse
Its a reason.

Lunchtime!

Its lunchtime and i have to wait for my mum to get home because we are going out to lunch and i am hungry.

So i thought I'd list my top five favourite foods for you all!

Now Australia is very multicultral so we can eat food from anywhere in the world pretty much.

Number 1: My top most favouritest food is Pies. From the classic Australian meat pie with tomato sauce to the more refined apple pie. If it ends in the word Pie i will worship its pastry covered goodness with love.

Number 2: My second favourite is Chinese food. Its delicious and cheap generally and there are like a hundred chinese restraunts to choose from. So yeh. Good stuff.

Number 3: my third favourite food is Enchiladas, i love mexican in general but Enchiladas are my top dish. The cheese and the sauce... damn now i really want one to fly out of my imagination and onto my plate.

Number 4: i've got to say that this was really hard to pick number 4 but i have to say Spag Bol. I love pasta, i could literally live on the stuff but theres something about a good plate of Spag Bol with Garlic Bread that is just so amazing.

Number 5: my last food on the list has to be Mango. And i know its not a meal and all the others are. But it has to be included. I used to live in a tiny town that was six hours drive from another less tiny town called Broome.

Broome is the West Australian Mango Capital. They have these markets every summer where you can get Mango Icecream and Mango Smoothies and Mango salsa. Plus these massive trays of Mangoes that we'd drive the six hours home with and the whole car smelled like mango.

Ok so to sum up... i think the only Australian food on the list is meat pies and for some reason i heard they came from New Zealand. Don't know if thats true. Going to google it. See you all tomorrow.

I will not throw my laptop.

My laptop is driving me up the wall to the point that i have hidden it from my own sight so that i do not damage it with the force of my glare.

One of the struggles of attempting to write your first novel that i did not forsee is that if your computer doesn't work properly then things like Microsoft Word might not work properly and you might not be able to do things like open your files or write new chapters.

So after one, two, three, four, five attempts to get Word and my computer to run properly i rage quited and decided i needed to blog in order to not throw an adult tantrum.

So lovely readers i hope you don't mind reading yet another of my rants because i'm in that kind of mood.

Why did i pay my high school $100 to keep the Mac that they gave me which was not new when i could've gotten a virus free computer that doesn't have the bottom fallen off and doesn't run like its fifty years old!

Why can't i have money so i can afford a good anti virus that gets rid of viruses why can't i afford to get the bottom fixed and all the kinks worked out so i can use it properly?

Why do i have to have a laptop that has good audio and bad pretty much everything else?! Why did my high school even use Macs? Whats wrong with Windows?

Phew.... rant over i'm sorry internet for giving you my problems but here take them because i do not have the patience for them right now.

Social outcast

I went to my first 18th that wasn't mine a few weeks ago and it got me reminiscing about High School a bit.

I had 'friends' but i wasn't exactly in with the group. I was and am a nerd and almost always had my nose in a book.

They let me sit with them but i was at the bottom of the social pecking order. I never got invited to parties, i never got invited to sleepovers, or anything else social.

I missed out on a lot of moments that would have helped my friends and i to bond better if they had invited me.

I was in Drama with alot of them and they were more than willing to talk to me there where i was most animated. The theatre was my safe place and i was much more of an extrovert while performing in shows or rehearsing.

Outside of Drama though i was quiet because i was to busy trying to do whatever it took for my friends to like me more.

This included letting them treat me like a doormat, sitting on the floor because i let them have the seats at the table or having to run there if i did want a seat.

I was so desperate to please them because if i didn't have them i literally had no one else. It didn't end up working anyway because after four years i was still trying and failing to up my social status and get invited to something. Anything.

I had one best friend but she moved to boarding school part way through year ten. So i had to hang out with her in the holidays.

I was basically that kid that does group projects by themselves because no one will go with them. During the times when my friends wouldn't let me sit with them i sat by myself usually in the library.

It taught me alot though, like most girls will do anything for a boost to their social lives even if it means being a B i t c h to someone who doesn't deserve it.

I didn't know it until High School was almost over, but I had Aspergers Syndrome which really hindered my social skills and made it hard for me to tell if someone was really my friend or just taking advantage of me.

I didn't have a sweet sixteen even though i really wanted to because no one would come. I got a kitten instead and a year later when he died after being hit by a car no one asked why i wasn't at school or if i was ok.

High School sucked, i think i ended it with less friends then i started it with. And all i learnt was how to be my own friend since no one else would be.

I do have one friend from High School, hes always been there even though i only went to school with him for a year.

Hes a great guy with a big heart and i couldn't thank him enough for being my friend.

I don't hate my job

Ok so i complain fairly frequently i feel about my volunteer job. Now while its true that i wish i was being paid, and it can be stressful and there are alot of politics. I don't hate it.

What i hate is that i am not the best in my job, i'm ok but i'm not the best  and i hate doing anything if i'm not going to be good at it.

Speaking of work i have to go get ready for it. So this will be a short post but i guess thats something you guys didn't know about me.

Emotional pain

This last year you wouldn't think outwardly has been hard for me. No ones passed away or being very sick, i haven't moved or had a break up or anything really.

Despite all of that though on the inside i feel like someone has been slowly roasting me on a spit. I feel like a wreck, i am in actual mental pain. I have been for a very long time.

I'm mostly in the closet and carrying that around all the time, i'm probably depressed but i don't really know. I mean I don't really know about any of this, i could just be a big baby this could be how everyone feels but how would i know?

It hurts my heart to feel so much turmoil and know that i could reach out but also that I won't. I know from past experience that i'll just let it keep going until i can't anymore.

I stopped self harming just over a year ago and its been bloody hard. I don't know why but it has. I feel like I am being tortured and yet i'm willing to cause myself real pain? Why?

I've been desperately holding it in, i'm good at that. Squashing it down bottling it up. Except for late at night when it gets so hard to keep it in.

Music helps me to hold on, it gives me something else to focus on. How long will this work though? How long before things go pear shaped?

I don't want to talk, even on here about some of the thoughts i've had. I'm not going to follow them though i'm not going anywhere. For the moment.

This is bad though even if this is normal its definetly getting worse. I keep waiting and waiting but what for? What could possibly happen that could relieve it? I don't know.

I have work tomorrow so i'm going to bed. It always gets worse when my youth club is finished for the year. Guess thats another way i hold it back.

Until next time guys

Consistency

Well I posted yesterday about coming out for the very first time ever and the world did not implode around me which made me feel a bit more relaxed.

I know that posts on this blog have been all over the place some of them are massive rants and some of them are like two sentences. That stops today.

I'm going to be more consistent in my blogging and my blog is going to have some actual content instead of just me rambling. I'm practicing sticking to a schedule so that if I ever start Vlogging I know that I can stick to a schedule properly.

I'm going to start off picking topics to talk about on the blog.. but if I do ever get any followers or commenters who have things that they would like to have discussed on the blog then I am open to that as well.

So to end this blog I'm going to leave you with a quote I may have shared on this blog before, and If I didn't I should've.

"Always be yourself unless you can be a Unicorn, then always be a Unicorn" 

Coming Out as Asexual

Yeh hey guys, LittleAsh here. I felt sort of kind of bad about brain spewing in my last post and not really explaining why or what exactly I was talking about.

I don't have any followers and basically nobody reads this and nobody important in my life will ever read this so I feel safe enough for this to be the very first time I have ever told this to anyone ever. Aren't you guys lucky that you get to be first!

So I am Asexual, and there are hundreds of ways to define Asexual but for me, and only for me I can't speak for anyone else, being Asexual means that I have no interest in sex. With anyone... ever. I don't want it at all. I just don't.

There is a huge spectrum of Asexuals and I only sit in my little spot on it so I'm not going to generalize I'm just talking about me.

I did think earlier last year that I might be Bisexual which I was fine with but the few people who I did come out to as Bi were just not okay with it at all.

So you know I bounced the who am I interested in? question around in my head for awhile before I realized that I am not interested in any gender in "that way". I still get crushes but as far as being physical with people I just... No thanks.

I haven't ever been physical with anyone but sexuality is about how you feel not about experiences so I'm sure that actually having experiences wouldn't change how I feel about it.

I am still interested in being in a relationship I just don't want a physical one. I will most likely have just limited my options of who I can go out with buts that fine with me. I feel like the only way I can be happy is if I am honest with both myself and others.

I am still in the closet in other areas of my life and will probably continue to be until I feel like I have some support in case things don't go well for me. If you have any questions about it feel free to ask.

Thank you to what readers I do have ( If I do have any)

Yeh....so brain vomit

Ok so here is how my brain works. I have a though and i'll be like "ok, don't be such a baby just get out there and tell the world!"

But then i'll be like " nope, nope, i don't want anything else in my life to go pear shaped i want to wait until there is no drama at all"

And then my brain says " but there's never ever ever going to be a time like that, grow a pair and do it!"

And then I say to my brain " no, i'm scared of what will happen i want to be independent first"

And then my brain says "but that could be a really long time... its really hard bottling all this up"

And i'm like "I don't care, take a deep brain breath and hold it in. Don't you dare leak out on me!"

So yeh i'm going to leave this completely out of context for all of you i'm not going to explain myself because i'm just having brain leakage and i'm not ready yet. Bye for now.

50 things I did in 2015

Ok, so i am willing to admit it, I have been in a really bad, awful, don't-talk-to-me mood all day. I have literally not left my room today. So i went and had a shower and now i'm going to try and pull myself out of this funk.

I usually am a very negative person, about myself, about situations that i'm in. I'm just a glass half empty kind of person which probably comes from not having the best time the last few years.

So i'm going to make a list of 50 things that i did this year and i'm going to try and keep it as postive as possible although there will be a few sad things here and there.

1. I went to bed at 10pm on new years because i am a lightweight and three cruisers killed me.

2. I went to wet and wild amusement park in Queensland

3. I went to TAFE for the first time

4. I won the Centre stage talent quest

5. I started volunteering with the salvation army.

6. I cooked brownies for the first time without burning them.

7. I was in the top ten for a horror short story writing competition

8. I made a gluten free cake for my step-dad and he liked it.

9. I went to the Supernova comic-con and met Danielle Panabaker from the Flash.

10. I cried over the Flash season 1 many  many times.

11. I saw two seagulls doing the dirty together

12. I got a Ragdoll cat named Harley Davidson

13. I learned how to potty train a cat

14. I had to say goodbye to my other Ragdoll Harper after she had a stroke

15. I watched my first ever horror movie- Sinister.

16. I got a new phone that actually works!

17. I got new glasses

18. I got to see my sister graduate high school

19. I performed at Crabfest 2015

20.  I started the first Adult Colouring Club where i live.

21. I saw Ant-man in the cinema for my 19th birthday.

22. I saw Mockingjay part 2 at the cinemas

23. I joined the comittee for my youth group

24. I broke my good headphones by stepping on them-oops

25. I got a practically unbreakable pair of headphones.

26. I watched the Fremantle Dockers lose to the Eagles at an Eagles supporters house

27. I got melted chocolate in my hair after falling asleep on a half eaten block.

28. I started doing my own laundry

29. I finally saw all of the Lord of the Rings movies.

30. I read The Hobbit

31. I attended a Pink Ribbon breakfast.

32. I performed at the Childrens festival 2015.

33. I discovered Youtubers are awsome and now love way to many of them.

34. I watched season six of Glee and cried because there will be no more episodes.

35. I went to my first christening

36. I met my second cousin Maya who is six months old.

37. I dyed my hair red

38. I made a bow and arrow set that actually worked

39. I got a very awsome poster of The Flash

40. I single handedly broke my Mac computer ( accidently)

41. I will be seeing The Lion King musical ( week after next)

42. I accidently bought $55 worth of downloadable Disney movies.

43. I watched Ice age for the first time since i was like five.

44. I was introduced to Jon Cozart and his completely inappropriate and hilarious disney parodies.

45. I saw Chris Judd from Carlton football club at a bookstore.

46. I faced my fears and saw some fireworks ( i cried but at least i did it)

47.  I ate the best pork i have ever tasted

48. I only got sick like 50 times this year

49. I got to enjoy my sister having her P plates.

50. I started blogging more consistently on my blog