I really tried to be a normal girl

I did all the things you are supposed to do.

My friends and i coordinated our school uniforms to be matching.

I gossiped over boys and squealed when they tried to show us worms and frogs.

I painted my nails and straightened my hair. I'm sure to everyone else i was acting and looking how you should. But thats when i started to feel lost.

I didn't like any of that stuff. I couldn't give a crap about boys. Or girls as it turns out. I'm Asexual, i just want to watch movies and do couple stuff without the physical side which frankly holds zero interest to me.

I don't really feminine either that often. Of course i have mental debates about maybe its just the gender issues that many people with Aspergers have or maybe if i tried harder i could feel more like a girl.

I know i don't want to talk about stuff most girls talk about. I'm unique and i can't pretend not to be.

I like video games and acting and i'm a harry potter fanatic.

My favourite youtuber is Markiplier and my favourite band is We the Kings. My favourite flavor of icecream is strawberry and i hate cake unless its cheesecake.

I have a sensitive sense of hearing and mostly i like quiet. On the flipside i also like rap and a bit of heavy metal.

I love the feeling of walls when you run your hands along them and beanbags. I hate the feeling of being touched lightly.

I love coffee, and eggnog. I do not handle alcohol well but it doesn't stop me from trying. If its spicy. I'll probably eat it.

I love my cat even though he puts white fur on my favourite black shirts. I like shirts with sleeves but that aren't tight and don't have tags that stick into you.

My pants i like denim. With an easy button and zip combo. Nothing tricky or easy to break. Black or blue. No white because it can get dirty.

I need to watch movies a few times to understand whats happening. And i ask lots of questions when the plot inevitably confuses me.

I don't like horror movies. I love disney though because you know it can't be scary.

My favourite place to be is on stage. I dream often about the stage at the matt dann in port hedland. Its so vivid i can feel the uneven wood under feet. I love that stage with all my heart.

Threes a crowd

I haven't ever talked about this. Mostly because who do you even talk to about this? And how do you get them to understand that you aren't crazy. That you don't feel crazy.

For about six months, i don't know why. Or how. But i've had to share my mind with two other... i don't even know whether i can call them people. Voices? Hallucinations?

Anyway. One is a girl i think about eleven years old. Her 'name' is Pace. She seems to be some sort of embodiment of anxiety. Thats when she speaks. Usually she's scared.

She doesn't mean to make me tense. But having my anxiety and her being anxious is one load of baggage too many.

Then there's the other one. He likes to rile up both me and Pace. Put us on edge. Right when she was about to calm down there he is being a bully to her.

His name is Callan. He's a bully. He brings up my worst memories, my worst decisions. Everything i would rather forget he brings back to the forefront of my mind.

I've lost count of the number of times i've argued with him mentally. As he tells me i'm a loser whose not good at anything and shouldn't even be alive.

He is every bad thought even if you weren't even having a bad thought he's there to remind me that nothing is ever good enough.

God. I've spent so many nights trying to keep Pace calm while telling Callan to SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

He frightens me sometimes. I'm sure them being here is a sign i've finally lost my mind. I've been through alot. Supported but not always enough.

Every time i feel like everything is ok the blanket gets pulled out from under my feet and i'm left flailing for something to hold onto.

Youtube helps. Believe it or not. The friends i have made there give me some sense of normalcy.

I have told not a soul. I thought about telling mum but she worries enough. I was waiting to see if school would get rid of them with my brain changing and all but No.

They are still here. In my mind. And they sound like a real persons thoughts in my head but they aren't. 

I just i had to put it somewhere. I had to. I usually like to find a song that i relate to and sing it to feel better. But there's not a song i know for this.