Challenges

You know, i spend not alot of time but maybe more time then other people. Thinking about my challenges in life.

Funnily enough my number one biggest challenge is myself. Its me that runs away with a conversation and can't shut up. Its me that can't do the maths, you know its not anyone else.

The thing that frustrates me the most is a part of Aspergers that i can't do much about. Its fact that my brain, a part of me can't seem to make the right connection with my fingers.

Its why i can't tie my shoelaces, its why i will do anything to avoid writing by hand. Its even part of why i can't get a job because alot of tasks aren't things i'm able to do with my clumsy hands.

If i want to do something, like write in a birthday card. I have to laser focus, take a deep breath and then slowly write it out. Its hard, it takes forever, and the end result is still a mess.

When i was in cadets you had to sign in. It meant writing your signature in the little book and i must have done it thousands of times.

One time, this new kid saw me do it and he couldn't help but comment on how my signature looked like it had been written by a Kindergartner.

It was a stupid comment made by someone who didn't know better and i should have brushed it off. I couldn't.

I stood there for about ten seconds and i didn't say anything. I have never been as angry as i was in those ten seconds.

My friend got the kid to apoligize, and i didn't show any sign of my anger, but i was just absolutely furious.

Not at the kid for pointing it out as much as at myself. Because even though there wasn't anything i could do about it. I blamed myself.

I am my own challenge, i have a lot of things that i need to learn not to blame myself for. Because blaming doesn't make it change.

What a World

If there is one thing that is to be learned from reading my blog. It is that i am a long way from understanding the world, and the world is centuries away from learning how to understand me.

The one thing i'm certain of is that i'll never do anything quite how one expects. I've always been that way. A little anxious and quiet at first, and then nothing like you would expect.

I don't think i fit in any one place, i'm just a mixture of everything and everywhere. I'm a little weird, and i get along better with computers and mugs of coffee then i do with people.

Thats alright though, because the people who i do get. Are kind people, with big hearts. They might not be quite what you'd expect from friends of mine. Thats fine.

I do love people, but I don't care what they think. It comes from being bullied as a kid, if i had cared about what the kids at school thought. Nothing good would ever have come of it.

They didn't get me, i wasn't meant to sit around and talk about boys. I don't like boys, I wanted to talk about interesting topics like Pyschology and Fantasy Novels. Those girls weren't the right people for that.

So many doors seem to have closed for me. Because all people see is a little young lady, with Aspergers and no mental filter.

I am ok with it for the most part because i don't really know what i want yet. Still, they should learn to save their judgement for after they've gotten to know me.

If they don't like me then thats fine, i don't care, but after i've had a fair shot at getting them to be my friend.