Tired of worrying

Anxiety is so tiring, it takes more energy then you would think to have every single worry possible running through your mind at the same time.

I've tried to go out somedays and gotten to the end of the driveway. Then turned around and gone home because i'm to anxious to face the world.

I try and distract myself when i can but sometimes like tonight i have to many worries so i can't not focus on them.

It sucks, it really, really sucks. People always think i'm overreacting but they don't understand that the little thing that i'm worried about isn't a little thing to me.

Its literally the only thing i am able to focus on so if you could just... i don't know reassure me or something instead of getting frustrated that would be great.

I guess worrying is what i do best but it shouldn't be.

Tolerate It

You will never understand how much it hurts my ears and my brain.

You'll never understand because you can't, and some days my ears and my brain are full and i can't hear or see anything until they are empty.

All you can do is be mad. Because somehow you don't get full in your ears and the noise doesn't hurt.

Some days i just have to stop. And i just want you to say ok and not be mad because its not something i can do anything about.

Don't tell me to 'tolerate it' because it doesn't work like that and your just going to cause me pain. I'm going to end up crying with my hands over my ears. Why can't you just understand?

I don't want to embarras myself, i'd rather recuperate and be able to not cry in front of everyone and then get blamed by you.

The World is Great

This may be very tired me talking but the world is pretty Great.

Yeh, it has a lot of things it can improve on, but i mean, its not all bad.

Firstly there is kittycats in the world. And coffee. Mmmmm Coffee...

Also dogs, i love when you get home and no matter what they are always so excited to see you!

Its also filled with some pretty awsome people. My sisters are annoying as hell sometimes, but i couldn't live without them.

Also Rainbows, and the sound of rain outside when your inside. New book smell and the warmth and dust of Kitten smell.

Yeh the worlds cool.... and stuff.

Can I marry my Morning Coffee?

I wonder if anyone, considering the amount of weird stuff that happens in the world. Has ever literally married a cup of coffee.

Because Damn, i love coffee. I mean like i didn't start drinking it until like my last year of high school. Because thats when my writing got serious.

I don't need coffee to write. But its sort of a ritual now to make myself a hot cuppa before i sit down to write. Man i wish i had my own office.

I'm awful at using coffee machines but the instant stuff is fine by me. We do have a coffee machine. I'm just paranoid i'll break it if i touch it.

Do you guys like coffee? Because most people i know actually don't like it... which is weird to me.

I'm tired of being tired

I'm tired. I'm so so tired, but not from lack of sleep. Ok, maybe if i went to bed at Nine instead of Ten I wouldn't fall asleep reading.

I just... I'm not physically tired even though it feels like it a lot. Its all upstairs in my mind. I'm tired deep inside my brain.

Its takes so much effort to do things these days. Its hard to find the enthusiasm or motivation for doing activities or seeing people. I try to distract myself, stay busy and all that but its not exactly a miracle cure.

For my entire schooling life. I could not tire mentally, I had to keep going at full throttle just to keep up. Only when I didn't have to anymore did I realize what I had done. I used everything, so now I don't have anything left.

I'm supposed to be filling up my time with... stuff. I don't want to though its so hard just to do what I already do. A lot of the time i know I'm supposed to want to go to these things. I know I used to enjoy them.

I hate winter, its cold and wet and everything is darker. Harder.

This is what happened last year, granted I had a reason to fall down then after my cat died. This year it seems to have come for no reason at all. I wonder if winter has anything to do with it or if I'm just unlucky.

Probably unlucky. Knowing me.

I'm not having one of my good days

Most people don't talk about the days that suck. They only share the really good things most of the time.

Because there's some kind of pressure to always be ok. Society doesn't like people who don't have it together.

I feel like I should have a room which is mine. Not my bedroom, another room. With pale blue walls and a pin up board for random ideas and quotes and plot points.

A desk with a computer that isn't missing keys and has a bottom that doesn't fall off when you pick it up. With a nice comfy chair and a camera on the side because i make vlogs when I'm not writing. And vanilla coffee.

I'd have one friend, but if i was having one of those days where the words just weren't flowing. I'd call them up and we'd go for coffee. They'd do the driving.

Every day I'd get up, have a shower, make a coffee. And go into my room. The cat would sleep on the floor next to me and I'd write for a few hours. Like it was a proper job. And our heater would work.

God damn it. It doesn't do, to dream for what you can't have. I defiantly can't have that. Ha, its about as likely as ever meeting Markiplier. Vidcon, man if my channel did well enough maybe i'd be invited as a guest.

See? I'm doing it again, i shouldn't. I really shouldn't.

Short update

Going slowly insane looking for typos in my 18 finished chapters. Every time i find one, i wrongly think i'll remember where it is so i can come back and fix it.

I know my grammar and punctuation need work. Except i can't afford an editor and i'm not sure my sisters have the ability to edit.

Well at least i have coffee, and i'm getting new glasses in like two weeks so that will help i think.

Also the Outlast 2 hype is real! Just because i can't afford to play it, doesn't mean i'm not excited about it.