Threes a crowd

I haven't ever talked about this. Mostly because who do you even talk to about this? And how do you get them to understand that you aren't crazy. That you don't feel crazy.

For about six months, i don't know why. Or how. But i've had to share my mind with two other... i don't even know whether i can call them people. Voices? Hallucinations?

Anyway. One is a girl i think about eleven years old. Her 'name' is Pace. She seems to be some sort of embodiment of anxiety. Thats when she speaks. Usually she's scared.

She doesn't mean to make me tense. But having my anxiety and her being anxious is one load of baggage too many.

Then there's the other one. He likes to rile up both me and Pace. Put us on edge. Right when she was about to calm down there he is being a bully to her.

His name is Callan. He's a bully. He brings up my worst memories, my worst decisions. Everything i would rather forget he brings back to the forefront of my mind.

I've lost count of the number of times i've argued with him mentally. As he tells me i'm a loser whose not good at anything and shouldn't even be alive.

He is every bad thought even if you weren't even having a bad thought he's there to remind me that nothing is ever good enough.

God. I've spent so many nights trying to keep Pace calm while telling Callan to SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

He frightens me sometimes. I'm sure them being here is a sign i've finally lost my mind. I've been through alot. Supported but not always enough.

Every time i feel like everything is ok the blanket gets pulled out from under my feet and i'm left flailing for something to hold onto.

Youtube helps. Believe it or not. The friends i have made there give me some sense of normalcy.

I have told not a soul. I thought about telling mum but she worries enough. I was waiting to see if school would get rid of them with my brain changing and all but No.

They are still here. In my mind. And they sound like a real persons thoughts in my head but they aren't. 

I just i had to put it somewhere. I had to. I usually like to find a song that i relate to and sing it to feel better. But there's not a song i know for this.