Black Dog (a poem?)

 black dog in the shadows.

my shadow.

after me it pads.

sucking up my feelings

leaving only a empty shell

my bed is the chain the dog pulls me with

my scars where it dug in claws

there is only fear. intermittent with nothing.

heart pounding. nightmares. heavy limbs.

I try to tell it to go. but it pads forward anyway.

black dog walking beside me. inside me.

Why Needles suck but Nurses don't

The other day I had to go get some blood work done.

I've had a lot of injections in my life as I was on daily growth hormone injections for four years.

Despite that, I really don't like needles. Daily exposure to them didn't make me unafraid unfortunately.

I was very nervous when I went in. I'm sure many of you feel the same way when you have to get blood taken.

Before this it had been maybe five years since I'd had a blood test.

Luckily the nurse who was drawing my blood seemed to realize I was nervous. I'm not sure if it was my shaking hands or the whiteness of my face that gave it away.

She was actually really nice. She asked me lots of questions about my life while she was looking for a vein.

I felt kind of bad because I have very small veins to go with my short stature and she was having a hard time finding one.

I gripped my phone like a vise and scrolled through Facebook while she was sticking me with the needle.

I didn't watch as I was kind of concerned I might faint if I actually saw the needle in my arm.

Luckily it only took a minute or two to take a vial.

I don't think I've ever been happier to not have a needle in my arm.

As she was writing my name on the blood. She told me we actually have the same birthday!

I think the fact that she made the effort to talk to me really helped. I walked out with a piece of candy and a new appreciation for nurses.

Five things that I try to do every day

So most people have their little routines every day. or at least Monday to Friday.

As an autistic person routines are incredibly important to me. They make me feel safe and secure.

It can be small things like making time to sing in my room. or going to the same place for lunch. By completeing my routine i help myself process the world so it isn't overwhelming and i get to do activities that i enjoy.

So here are five things that I try to do every day! feel free to let me know in the comments what kind of things you like to do in your routines.

1. Coffee. As soon as I'm presentable enough to speak to other people. So dressed, shoes on, hair brushed. Deodarant applied.

I don't think I need to explain this part of my routine to anyone. Except for those people who don't drink coffee. Which is fine. Live life how you want. But I and all the other coffee lovers out there will tell you that you are missing out on something wonderful.

2. Singing. I love to sing. It's probably as close to stimming as I get. I sing every day. I love it. it helps me release stress and calm down if I am upset.

3. Workouts. Our dog dash does try to prevent this by sitting on me while I'm working out but lately I have been trying to fit in a home workout every day. ok. maybe more like every other day.

It still counts.

4. Be kind. I try every day to be nice. Sometimes my anxiety makes me a bit grumpy but I try to be mindful of that.

I have to work extra hard at it some days. But I think If you are working at it people will notice and be happy that you are trying.

5. Smile. Lack of sleep and anxiety can make it hard to feel like smiling. But i think sometimes you have to fake it til you make it.

Even if i'm having the worst day ever i try to find something that will make me smile. My dog Dash is really funny and she helps me.

Apologies

I apologize for the long hiatus that I took. I have had a difficult time. But I'm doing better now.

I came to the realization that my head was not being shared by three people, but by four. So in total there's currently five of us.

The others cannot control my body but they can speak to me and make their thoughts known. the current theory is they are parts of me that I perceive as other people in my head.

Sometimes I can't 'hear' anyone but I'm never alone. Sometimes it's hard to focus on what's happening in the real world because there can be a loud discussion, an argument or even multiple discussions happening in my head.

We have two male and three female voices including myself.

They have nothing to do with my Aspergers but one or two of them may be linked to my anxiety and depression.

I really tried to be a normal girl

I did all the things you are supposed to do.

My friends and i coordinated our school uniforms to be matching.

I gossiped over boys and squealed when they tried to show us worms and frogs.

I painted my nails and straightened my hair. I'm sure to everyone else i was acting and looking how you should. But thats when i started to feel lost.

I didn't like any of that stuff. I couldn't give a crap about boys. Or girls as it turns out. I'm Asexual, i just want to watch movies and do couple stuff without the physical side which frankly holds zero interest to me.

I don't really feminine either that often. Of course i have mental debates about maybe its just the gender issues that many people with Aspergers have or maybe if i tried harder i could feel more like a girl.

I know i don't want to talk about stuff most girls talk about. I'm unique and i can't pretend not to be.

I like video games and acting and i'm a harry potter fanatic.

My favourite youtuber is Markiplier and my favourite band is We the Kings. My favourite flavor of icecream is strawberry and i hate cake unless its cheesecake.

I have a sensitive sense of hearing and mostly i like quiet. On the flipside i also like rap and a bit of heavy metal.

I love the feeling of walls when you run your hands along them and beanbags. I hate the feeling of being touched lightly.

I love coffee, and eggnog. I do not handle alcohol well but it doesn't stop me from trying. If its spicy. I'll probably eat it.

I love my cat even though he puts white fur on my favourite black shirts. I like shirts with sleeves but that aren't tight and don't have tags that stick into you.

My pants i like denim. With an easy button and zip combo. Nothing tricky or easy to break. Black or blue. No white because it can get dirty.

I need to watch movies a few times to understand whats happening. And i ask lots of questions when the plot inevitably confuses me.

I don't like horror movies. I love disney though because you know it can't be scary.

My favourite place to be is on stage. I dream often about the stage at the matt dann in port hedland. Its so vivid i can feel the uneven wood under feet. I love that stage with all my heart.

Threes a crowd

I haven't ever talked about this. Mostly because who do you even talk to about this? And how do you get them to understand that you aren't crazy. That you don't feel crazy.

For about six months, i don't know why. Or how. But i've had to share my mind with two other... i don't even know whether i can call them people. Voices? Hallucinations?

Anyway. One is a girl i think about eleven years old. Her 'name' is Pace. She seems to be some sort of embodiment of anxiety. Thats when she speaks. Usually she's scared.

She doesn't mean to make me tense. But having my anxiety and her being anxious is one load of baggage too many.

Then there's the other one. He likes to rile up both me and Pace. Put us on edge. Right when she was about to calm down there he is being a bully to her.

His name is Callan. He's a bully. He brings up my worst memories, my worst decisions. Everything i would rather forget he brings back to the forefront of my mind.

I've lost count of the number of times i've argued with him mentally. As he tells me i'm a loser whose not good at anything and shouldn't even be alive.

He is every bad thought even if you weren't even having a bad thought he's there to remind me that nothing is ever good enough.

God. I've spent so many nights trying to keep Pace calm while telling Callan to SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

He frightens me sometimes. I'm sure them being here is a sign i've finally lost my mind. I've been through alot. Supported but not always enough.

Every time i feel like everything is ok the blanket gets pulled out from under my feet and i'm left flailing for something to hold onto.

Youtube helps. Believe it or not. The friends i have made there give me some sense of normalcy.

I have told not a soul. I thought about telling mum but she worries enough. I was waiting to see if school would get rid of them with my brain changing and all but No.

They are still here. In my mind. And they sound like a real persons thoughts in my head but they aren't. 

I just i had to put it somewhere. I had to. I usually like to find a song that i relate to and sing it to feel better. But there's not a song i know for this.

Sebastian and I

In my first completed novel Elemental. The main character is Sebastian, a fourteen year old boy. Black hair and blue eyes and a permanent scowl are his most distinguishing feature.

He pushes people away and prefers to keep to himself. For their safety, is the excuse.

He has powers that can make him dangerous. So isolates himself so he doesn't have to feel the pain of hurting someone he actually cares about.

He is standoffish' short tempered, and hard to talk to at the best of times. Truly he's just lost. But almost no one can see it.

I imagine that he and I have been in exactly the same situation.

Sitting in a chair, in the sun but not really feeling the warm rays. Head in hands. Wondering what we're doing with our lives.

I know how Sebastian will find his way to happiness. I don't know how i will. Whoever is holding the pen to my story. I hope they aren't the kind who likes to torture their protagonist.

I don't want to think

I don't want to think or create anything. Yesterday i was so pumped about the chaper i wrote. Today i don't even want to look at it.

I just want to bury my head under my pillow and stay like that for a long time. I don't understand.

This can't be what everyone feels like or no one would leave the house. Why is this a thing? I don't like it.

I wish i had something uplifting and motivating to tell you guys but today i just don't.

There just doesn't seem to be a point to anything. No one cares about who i am anyway. Everyone just reads one article on Aspergers and thinks they have me all figured out.

I'm more than that, or i'd like to say i am. But i'm not. I'm really not.

I don't know anymore

I used to think i could tell when things were starting to slide again. But i didn't see this low coming. It just slapped me in the face with all of my self doubts.

I suppose it is a part of depression, that it just comes when it wants to and you don't even have to be doing anything.

I can't even look at my writing, because i just hate every sentence if i do. All the work that went into those stories feels like a waste of time.

I've been blasting songs that have gotten me through hard times before. Going on walks until my legs ache. Trying everything to keep it away.

I've had so many oppurtunities where i could have said that i needed help. Or that i wasn't doing so well. I could reach out but i...

I feel like people either would think i'm just complaining or not care at all.

Where are my friends during all this you may ask? The answer is Working. Busy. Studying. Whatever.

I'm sure they wouldn't enjoy hanging out with me anyway. They all know, the few real friends i do have that things have been hard lately for me.

Its not their fault, they have lives to live and just don't have time for me.

I'll just drag myself through as much routine as i can. Try and make life easier for everyone else. I don't want to think so i'll just do chores so that i can't.

No more of 'I wonder if this is as good as theirs'

I go back and forth alot, in what i think about my work and what i think about myself.

You know, i compare myself to other writers and i sit and i think "i have to be as good as them. I have to be better than them" until today.

Today i was reminded, and i'm sure i will need reminding many times in the future. That No. I do not have to be better than anyone. I don't have to hold myself to their standards.

I only have to be as good as i can be. And that is something that i have struggled with, because i've always been trying to fit in.

Its a part of having difficulties at school, you know i just wanted to be the same as everyone else. I just wanted to be able to kick a ball like they could. In the exact same way as them.

So i held myself to their standards and i was only happy if i had the approval of my peers. And i ran myself into the ground trying to reach their level. Trying to win their approval.

I couldn't, and i never did. Because even if i was doing my best i always felt like it wasn't good enough. I'd put 110% into acting which is something that i love, and i still got a D.

So then i didn't know what to do anymore, because putting everything into what i wanted had worked in the past and now it wasn't good enough.

Then I did volunteer work and putting everything into that didn't put me at everyone elses level either. In fact, i felt incredibly inadequate compared to the other workers.

So, i quit everything. I let myself fall into a deep hole. There may have been other factors. You know my cat passed away quite suddenly and it was a difficult time.

But really, every time i've fallen down. Its because i have tried so hard to meet others standards that i have burned out.

This has only happened because i worry too much about what they think. Because i hate feeling inadequate or like i can't do something.

So i know, that only holding myself to my own standards and not worrying about other people or comparing myself might be hard. Especially as a writer. I might not always get it right.

But it will take so much burden off of me, and i won't be as inclined to fall and not get up again. You know resilence only gets you so far.

Wanting to prove yourself to the people who doubt you. 'Fuck you' energy, that only goes so far. It won't push you as far as you want to go.

You can get there. Only if you get yourself there. Because you believed in yourself and you didn't hold yourself down.

Anxiety and Comparisions

Sitting outside in the sun, the anxieties of last night seem really far away. Even though it would take very little to bring them straight back.

One rule of writing is never compare yourself to other writers, especially if they are published and you are not. Because they have an entire team helping them make this novel, and you only have you.

If you want to salvage any of your self esteem. Don't compare. Not that its easy to avoid. We all compare ourselves to others constantly. Seeing how we measure up compared to them.

Having anxiety doesn't make my writing better, even though there's alot of talk about how being mentally ill and creative are linked.

It doesn't make your work of better quality and it certainly doesn't give you an edge over other creative people.

It just isn't true.

I am Depression

I am Depression
I'm like a lion in the long grass
You can't see me,
And i sneak up on you so quietly
You'll never know i'm coming.

I am Depression
I am a poison
I seep into your blood
Into your breath
Until i am you. All of you.

I am Depression
I steal all the colour from the world
I make you so tired…
I take and take and take
I take everything.

I am Depression
I can be fatal
Because I am patient
As long as your heart beats
I'm still there.

I am Depression
I don't need to be here
I only weigh you down
I can be so heavy if you carry me
Alone.

I am Depression
One day i will be banished
And the colour will slowly return for us
But until then you just have to remember
I can't hold you forever.

'Don't worry'

People tell me that I shouldn't worry, bu the only time I can't is when I've had alcohol so really it seems pointless.

Usually its said an exasperated way, as if they are so sick of having to reassure the anxious person. As if somehow its my fault. Actually that's usually why i stop expressing my worry, because it feels like somehow its my fault and I'd rather just shut up.

It doesn't seem to occur to them that if they took it seriously and stopped making a joke out of it, i might believe them when they said 'Don't worry, it's fine'.

I might be being unfair because its not their fault they don't know about the Meditation i have to do every night to keep as much of a hold on my anxiety as i can. Or the fact that sometimes it's so bad that I will gag simply as a nervous response when I'm doing something that makes me anxious. or the six months of therapy I had just to combat that particular symptom.

They just see the things I'm afraid of, storms, crowds, making phone calls. Leaving the dog and the cat to fend for themselves for any length of time. They make fun of it, or tell me to relax as if that's somehow an option.

Obviously they don't know anything about Anxiety or the things that make it worse. See, this is what ignorance does. This is why educating people is important, so they know what to say and what they shouldn't say.

Creative writing when you are Creative

When you are a creative person but you are also a writer. You bring yourself to the most unsavory of contradictions.

By that I mean, as a writer you see the one way that the story is going. You are taught to see the beginning, middle, and end as they will be. One path.

As a creative person you look at a completed story, and see all the other ways it could have been told. Because you are all about new ways of doing things and new ideas and expression.

So then you doubt yourself, which as a writer you are likely to do anyway. You put yourself down and convincd yourself that whatever is on the screen in front of you is crap.

Its like having two ideas at the same time that are almost completely opposite.

It is hard.

What Depression Feels Like

It's exhausting. You don't even have to be doing anything. You just want to lie down and shut out the world for as long as possible.

You don't feel anything, its a dense fog that traps the darkness inside of you. It keeps the light from coming in but also stops the darkness from getting out. So on the surface you can't even tell.

Going out, having a shower, doing anything productive takes so much effort. Some days it seems impossible.

Nothing feels like it has a point, you just can't see why you should continue with things that you used to love to do.

You know that you should be excited but you can't. Alot of the time, Depression isn't sadness, its just numbness. Its feeling nothing all the time. Wanting to be alone. It's not talking to your friends for weeks at a time.

Its making up excuses to have naps and leaving projects unfinished. Its good at hiding and convincing you that you don't need help.

It feels like treading water and not being able to reach the surface when you should. It feels almost like drowning.

Showers help me Write

I start off any day where I actually plan on being productive with a steaming hot shower ( if there's any hot water left after my sisters go to school)

I stand under the water, and think through plot holes, character development and future plot. It helps me to make important decisions regarding the direction of my novel.

It usually goes in a specific order. Shower, Coffee, writing. Because the first two steps make the third one possible. If only by helping me feel human and not want to go back to bed.

All hail the power of the morning routine.

A better week

This has been a good week. A better week, the sun has been out basically every day. I haven't had any writers block and my hands haven't hurt at all. It has been bliss.

As I write this my cat is sitting beside me purring and the sun is poking through my blinds. It is peaceful today.

Sure, the clown thing that seems to be everywhere is freaknig me out but they can't get me if I'm inside

. One awesome game and one amazing demo are dropping this week! The Outlast 2 demo dropped on Tuesday night and man.... If I wasn't already hyped for the game to come out in Autumn I am hyped now.

Five Nights at Freddy's: Sister Location drops tomorrow, I have been waiting for a new FNAF game to come out since forever. I cannot wait to see what scares and lore Scott has thought up in his newest creation. What I have seen so far looks horrifingly amazing.

I love October, especially Halloween.

Here's to getting Spooked!

Believe

I don't believe in giving up.

Yet I have felt what is like to not give up for so long that you eventually cave in.

Its like sliding backwards down a jagged mountain that took you months to climb.

I have tumbled down that mountain bruised and bloody again and again. Then I have stood up and started to climb again.

Sometimes i have thought that i would make it to the top but then i get there and the mountain has grown even taller. I'm far too slow.

I needed it to be pointed out to me before i understood that if i caved in it was not through lack of trying. That I tried harder than most people could stand.

That it was ok if I couldn't get there was never something i considered until it was shown to me that it was alright.

I have always held myself to incredibly high standards, but I have never been able to meet them. I have always looked at somthing i have done and picked out every single fault.

I have strived for perfection only to have what i held as perfect work thrown back in my face. It did not matter to the person who threw it that it took as much effort as climbing a mountain.

They saw only more faults, and so it is no surprise that all i can see is what they saw.

I

 do not believe in failure, but that is all i am capable of seeing in myself.

Touching Stuff

I really like to touch stuff, and not in the rude way.

I like to run my hands along the walls or pat the cat over and over again. Certain textures are so soothing for me. The little spaces between the keys on keyboards, carpet. Whenever I go to my Dads there's a rail on his stairs I really like. So i touch it whenever I'm going up the stairs or sometimes just stand for a minute with my hands on it.

I think there's a name for it that I can't remember right now when people who have Aspergers like touching stuff. I guess its part of how we manage in the world. My hands need to be doing something all the time so why not rub them on the carpet or play with my phone.

I really like to pat my cat and feel how the fur is different in different parts of their body. Their ear fur is really smooth and their belly fur is fluffy. Its really soft too.

I don't know why I thought I'd share it with you guys, but i guess i was just enjoying how my blankets feel and thought you guys might not know that it feels nice.

I belong in the background

I know i shouldn't compare myself to others. Especially my fellow cast members in the production my drama group is putting on.

Except, I look at all the other girls and think 'they would all be better at my role than me' I can't help thinking that the play would be better if i wasn't a lead.

I don't think i'm someone whose meant to be anything other than a background character. I'm just not... Not lead material.

I'm not the main lead, in fact i'm the lead with the least line, and the only one without their own song. I still feel like i'm bringing the show down in quality just by being in it.

I know its not true. Because i've been in alot of plays and they were good and they were fun.

I feel like the me that was in those plays was alot more confident in herself and cared alot less about how she sounded and what her dancing looked like.

Now i just pick out every thing i did wrong or every time i had to be corrected and mark this rehersal as a failure.

Acting has always been my escape, and now it feels like i'm the worst person to ever do it.