No more of 'I wonder if this is as good as theirs'

I go back and forth alot, in what i think about my work and what i think about myself.

You know, i compare myself to other writers and i sit and i think "i have to be as good as them. I have to be better than them" until today.

Today i was reminded, and i'm sure i will need reminding many times in the future. That No. I do not have to be better than anyone. I don't have to hold myself to their standards.

I only have to be as good as i can be. And that is something that i have struggled with, because i've always been trying to fit in.

Its a part of having difficulties at school, you know i just wanted to be the same as everyone else. I just wanted to be able to kick a ball like they could. In the exact same way as them.

So i held myself to their standards and i was only happy if i had the approval of my peers. And i ran myself into the ground trying to reach their level. Trying to win their approval.

I couldn't, and i never did. Because even if i was doing my best i always felt like it wasn't good enough. I'd put 110% into acting which is something that i love, and i still got a D.

So then i didn't know what to do anymore, because putting everything into what i wanted had worked in the past and now it wasn't good enough.

Then I did volunteer work and putting everything into that didn't put me at everyone elses level either. In fact, i felt incredibly inadequate compared to the other workers.

So, i quit everything. I let myself fall into a deep hole. There may have been other factors. You know my cat passed away quite suddenly and it was a difficult time.

But really, every time i've fallen down. Its because i have tried so hard to meet others standards that i have burned out.

This has only happened because i worry too much about what they think. Because i hate feeling inadequate or like i can't do something.

So i know, that only holding myself to my own standards and not worrying about other people or comparing myself might be hard. Especially as a writer. I might not always get it right.

But it will take so much burden off of me, and i won't be as inclined to fall and not get up again. You know resilence only gets you so far.

Wanting to prove yourself to the people who doubt you. 'Fuck you' energy, that only goes so far. It won't push you as far as you want to go.

You can get there. Only if you get yourself there. Because you believed in yourself and you didn't hold yourself down.