What Depression Feels Like

It's exhausting. You don't even have to be doing anything. You just want to lie down and shut out the world for as long as possible.

You don't feel anything, its a dense fog that traps the darkness inside of you. It keeps the light from coming in but also stops the darkness from getting out. So on the surface you can't even tell.

Going out, having a shower, doing anything productive takes so much effort. Some days it seems impossible.

Nothing feels like it has a point, you just can't see why you should continue with things that you used to love to do.

You know that you should be excited but you can't. Alot of the time, Depression isn't sadness, its just numbness. Its feeling nothing all the time. Wanting to be alone. It's not talking to your friends for weeks at a time.

Its making up excuses to have naps and leaving projects unfinished. Its good at hiding and convincing you that you don't need help.

It feels like treading water and not being able to reach the surface when you should. It feels almost like drowning.

Showers help me Write

I start off any day where I actually plan on being productive with a steaming hot shower ( if there's any hot water left after my sisters go to school)

I stand under the water, and think through plot holes, character development and future plot. It helps me to make important decisions regarding the direction of my novel.

It usually goes in a specific order. Shower, Coffee, writing. Because the first two steps make the third one possible. If only by helping me feel human and not want to go back to bed.

All hail the power of the morning routine.

A better week

This has been a good week. A better week, the sun has been out basically every day. I haven't had any writers block and my hands haven't hurt at all. It has been bliss.

As I write this my cat is sitting beside me purring and the sun is poking through my blinds. It is peaceful today.

Sure, the clown thing that seems to be everywhere is freaknig me out but they can't get me if I'm inside

. One awesome game and one amazing demo are dropping this week! The Outlast 2 demo dropped on Tuesday night and man.... If I wasn't already hyped for the game to come out in Autumn I am hyped now.

Five Nights at Freddy's: Sister Location drops tomorrow, I have been waiting for a new FNAF game to come out since forever. I cannot wait to see what scares and lore Scott has thought up in his newest creation. What I have seen so far looks horrifingly amazing.

I love October, especially Halloween.

Here's to getting Spooked!

Believe

I don't believe in giving up.

Yet I have felt what is like to not give up for so long that you eventually cave in.

Its like sliding backwards down a jagged mountain that took you months to climb.

I have tumbled down that mountain bruised and bloody again and again. Then I have stood up and started to climb again.

Sometimes i have thought that i would make it to the top but then i get there and the mountain has grown even taller. I'm far too slow.

I needed it to be pointed out to me before i understood that if i caved in it was not through lack of trying. That I tried harder than most people could stand.

That it was ok if I couldn't get there was never something i considered until it was shown to me that it was alright.

I have always held myself to incredibly high standards, but I have never been able to meet them. I have always looked at somthing i have done and picked out every single fault.

I have strived for perfection only to have what i held as perfect work thrown back in my face. It did not matter to the person who threw it that it took as much effort as climbing a mountain.

They saw only more faults, and so it is no surprise that all i can see is what they saw.

I

 do not believe in failure, but that is all i am capable of seeing in myself.

Touching Stuff

I really like to touch stuff, and not in the rude way.

I like to run my hands along the walls or pat the cat over and over again. Certain textures are so soothing for me. The little spaces between the keys on keyboards, carpet. Whenever I go to my Dads there's a rail on his stairs I really like. So i touch it whenever I'm going up the stairs or sometimes just stand for a minute with my hands on it.

I think there's a name for it that I can't remember right now when people who have Aspergers like touching stuff. I guess its part of how we manage in the world. My hands need to be doing something all the time so why not rub them on the carpet or play with my phone.

I really like to pat my cat and feel how the fur is different in different parts of their body. Their ear fur is really smooth and their belly fur is fluffy. Its really soft too.

I don't know why I thought I'd share it with you guys, but i guess i was just enjoying how my blankets feel and thought you guys might not know that it feels nice.

I belong in the background

I know i shouldn't compare myself to others. Especially my fellow cast members in the production my drama group is putting on.

Except, I look at all the other girls and think 'they would all be better at my role than me' I can't help thinking that the play would be better if i wasn't a lead.

I don't think i'm someone whose meant to be anything other than a background character. I'm just not... Not lead material.

I'm not the main lead, in fact i'm the lead with the least line, and the only one without their own song. I still feel like i'm bringing the show down in quality just by being in it.

I know its not true. Because i've been in alot of plays and they were good and they were fun.

I feel like the me that was in those plays was alot more confident in herself and cared alot less about how she sounded and what her dancing looked like.

Now i just pick out every thing i did wrong or every time i had to be corrected and mark this rehersal as a failure.

Acting has always been my escape, and now it feels like i'm the worst person to ever do it.

Noise

When I was young I used to get quite anxious. Being the early 2000s nothing was really done about it but my Mum hated it when I got scared so I tended to run and hide with Dad. Or keep it to myself.

I do meditation now to try and keep a handle on it but whenever something happens I never seem to be able to not panic. I'd like to, but I can't do it. 

Its not my fault, I know its not. Yet I always feel like it is and it can be embarrasing especially in public. People don't really understand why you choose to exclude yourself from parties or social gatherings.

I'd definetly rather stay at home than explain to someone that I don't just 'not like' crowded places. That it makes me feel like i can't breathe. Then i'd just get weird looks and probably try and leave so i could escape.

I guess i'm not the going out type which would be fine if everyone else my age was sitting at home writing a novel as well. Except that they aren't.

If they are, they are probably better than me and already published anyway.