Seesaw emotions

I have been low a few times recently, usually for a few months at a time.

Yet, I would hesitate to say i'm Depressed, partly because i worry that people will just think i am complaining.

Also partly because i can have a really good two months of positivity and rainbows. And then have another three months of just pure darkness.

Up. Down. Up. Down. I have no idea where this little seesaw came from but is incredibly uncomfterable to have no control over it.

At my best i can almost convince myself nothing is wrong, at my worst I don't even want to wake up tomorrow.

It is definetly something alright. I had a good chat with a friend of mine. I am now more convinced that this isn't normal. But thats all i'm sure of.

Why I have to Write

Its probably not a secret that i like to write. I do. But sometimes i think maybe i'm not very good at it.

I know i'm not meant to care what other people think but of course i do.

I would keep writing anyway because i kind of need to. Whenever i open my mouth i feel like people don't really want to hear what i have to say.

They defiently don't want to hear about plot lines or character development. Ideas for new stories.

I'm pretty good at putting a plug on certain subjects that might not interest others. But only a few at a time.

Its to much effort to do it to all of the boring subjects. Its worse during movies, i can't do it when i'm focusing on trying to understand the story.

At least when we actually go to the movies i can put food in my mouth to stop myself talking.

Ok well the cat is licking my chest of drawers. So i better go and stop him. Bye!

Different Together

When your different, no matter how hard you try and pretend your not, people figure it out.

I had an aid in class to help me once, i don't mean once as in one year or one term. I mean for literally one lesson and she didn't come again.

Still, the other kids knew what that meant. That there was something wrong with me, that i was different.

That girl who was really popular in school. She had Asthma but nobody cared. Whereas I had to sit in class and listen to the boys whispering "assburgers" behind me.

They never actually asked me if I had Aspergers, most of them didn't ever speak directly to me. They were right, but that didn't mean i liked it.

In the beginning i just wanted to be like everyone else, and when i realized i couldn't. I settled with wanting to be invisible.

I learned that if you stand a certain way people don't really see you. If they can't see you, they can't pick on you.

I used to look around the playground and i knew i didn't belong there. I just knew it. So i made friends with some of the other invisible kids.

There was one boy who i will never forget, he was so at ease with himself and he never cared what anyone else thought. One of his hands was deformed and he was missing a few fingers.

We used to sit together in the library and talk about Harry Potter. He was a few grades below me. But he had a much kinder heart then anyone in my year group.

He left the next year, which was good because where we lived would have ruined his kind heart. I don't know where he is now. But i won't forget his kindness. Ever.

Rock meet Bottom

I do not recall when or how i managed to go from 'doing ok' to 'back down the hole' but at some point perhaps in the last two months i have been dragged straight back down the hole i spent most of the last year climbing out of.

I have not being able to go for my walks because it has been too cold, my one proper girl friend has been making up lots of excuses of why we can't catch up, and i have become even less certain about what i should do career wise.

I am also worried, that if the program i may be doing next year gets up and running that i will have to leave my one out of the house activity. At least, the only voluntary one.

It is not a good feeling. I am a worrier anyway but now i can't stop and i feel very hopeless. It is not normal for me. It was the one thing everyone always said to me, that i was good at having hope if nothing else. Now I don't even have that going for me.

I am concerned that even if i was to get a job that i would be to much of a bumbling idiot to hold onto it. I am not good at knowing what to do without constantly being told and it will probably annoy my future employer eventually.

I was good before, at getting up and getting things done. Have a shower, go out and get some sunlight. Get some writing done. Now it is so hard to want to do any of it. I don't know what the point is.

Maybe today is just an off day, or this is just a bad week. I have an audition on Friday... I cannot even imagine that i will get the role. But performing is all i have, i will not let go of it because if i do than i will truly be in a bad place.

Before... I wanted to be an Author so badly. I wanted to be a Youtuber and play with Photoshop which i used to enjoy. Now I don't care and that is the worst because i know i am supposed to.

I am afraid that there is something wrong but i am also afraid that nothing is wrong and that i am just a baby. Complaining about nothing. I am not even sure i will publish this post. Lest it sound like i am a whining child.

I dare not bring this up to my family,  we have enough to worry about. They don't need my problems on top of their own. I will do my best to deal with it on my own. I have never liked asking for help. It makes me feel inferior..

HEY! Look a Proper Schedule!

Morning Internet. I'd say ' Good Morning' but that would be a contradiction. Morning and Good do not belong in the same sentence ever. Its just wrong.

As you may be able to tell i'm actually writing this in the morning instead of at 2am as usual. So this Post should actually make sense. Maybe.

Also if my Antivirus pops up one more time telling me to pay for more stuff i will throw a tantrum. Seriously, if i said No the first time, why would i say Yes the 500th time?

So being a creature of routine i have made the decision to set myself a real schedule for when Blog posts come out. I've selected Wednesday as its my favourite day of the week following Friday. So starting next week every Wednesday you guys can look forward to a new post.

Hopefully they won't be word vomits and make some sort of sense but no promises on that. Have a fab day, and drink coffee for that extra delicious burst of energy.

Challenges

You know, i spend not alot of time but maybe more time then other people. Thinking about my challenges in life.

Funnily enough my number one biggest challenge is myself. Its me that runs away with a conversation and can't shut up. Its me that can't do the maths, you know its not anyone else.

The thing that frustrates me the most is a part of Aspergers that i can't do much about. Its fact that my brain, a part of me can't seem to make the right connection with my fingers.

Its why i can't tie my shoelaces, its why i will do anything to avoid writing by hand. Its even part of why i can't get a job because alot of tasks aren't things i'm able to do with my clumsy hands.

If i want to do something, like write in a birthday card. I have to laser focus, take a deep breath and then slowly write it out. Its hard, it takes forever, and the end result is still a mess.

When i was in cadets you had to sign in. It meant writing your signature in the little book and i must have done it thousands of times.

One time, this new kid saw me do it and he couldn't help but comment on how my signature looked like it had been written by a Kindergartner.

It was a stupid comment made by someone who didn't know better and i should have brushed it off. I couldn't.

I stood there for about ten seconds and i didn't say anything. I have never been as angry as i was in those ten seconds.

My friend got the kid to apoligize, and i didn't show any sign of my anger, but i was just absolutely furious.

Not at the kid for pointing it out as much as at myself. Because even though there wasn't anything i could do about it. I blamed myself.

I am my own challenge, i have a lot of things that i need to learn not to blame myself for. Because blaming doesn't make it change.

What a World

If there is one thing that is to be learned from reading my blog. It is that i am a long way from understanding the world, and the world is centuries away from learning how to understand me.

The one thing i'm certain of is that i'll never do anything quite how one expects. I've always been that way. A little anxious and quiet at first, and then nothing like you would expect.

I don't think i fit in any one place, i'm just a mixture of everything and everywhere. I'm a little weird, and i get along better with computers and mugs of coffee then i do with people.

Thats alright though, because the people who i do get. Are kind people, with big hearts. They might not be quite what you'd expect from friends of mine. Thats fine.

I do love people, but I don't care what they think. It comes from being bullied as a kid, if i had cared about what the kids at school thought. Nothing good would ever have come of it.

They didn't get me, i wasn't meant to sit around and talk about boys. I don't like boys, I wanted to talk about interesting topics like Pyschology and Fantasy Novels. Those girls weren't the right people for that.

So many doors seem to have closed for me. Because all people see is a little young lady, with Aspergers and no mental filter.

I am ok with it for the most part because i don't really know what i want yet. Still, they should learn to save their judgement for after they've gotten to know me.

If they don't like me then thats fine, i don't care, but after i've had a fair shot at getting them to be my friend.