I do not recall when or how i managed to go from 'doing ok' to 'back down the hole' but at some point perhaps in the last two months i have been dragged straight back down the hole i spent most of the last year climbing out of.
I have not being able to go for my walks because it has been too cold, my one proper girl friend has been making up lots of excuses of why we can't catch up, and i have become even less certain about what i should do career wise.
I am also worried, that if the program i may be doing next year gets up and running that i will have to leave my one out of the house activity. At least, the only voluntary one.
It is not a good feeling. I am a worrier anyway but now i can't stop and i feel very hopeless. It is not normal for me. It was the one thing everyone always said to me, that i was good at having hope if nothing else. Now I don't even have that going for me.
I am concerned that even if i was to get a job that i would be to much of a bumbling idiot to hold onto it. I am not good at knowing what to do without constantly being told and it will probably annoy my future employer eventually.
I was good before, at getting up and getting things done. Have a shower, go out and get some sunlight. Get some writing done. Now it is so hard to want to do any of it. I don't know what the point is.
Maybe today is just an off day, or this is just a bad week. I have an audition on Friday... I cannot even imagine that i will get the role. But performing is all i have, i will not let go of it because if i do than i will truly be in a bad place.
Before... I wanted to be an Author so badly. I wanted to be a Youtuber and play with Photoshop which i used to enjoy. Now I don't care and that is the worst because i know i am supposed to.
I am afraid that there is something wrong but i am also afraid that nothing is wrong and that i am just a baby. Complaining about nothing. I am not even sure i will publish this post. Lest it sound like i am a whining child.
I dare not bring this up to my family, we have enough to worry about. They don't need my problems on top of their own. I will do my best to deal with it on my own. I have never liked asking for help. It makes me feel inferior..
I have not being able to go for my walks because it has been too cold, my one proper girl friend has been making up lots of excuses of why we can't catch up, and i have become even less certain about what i should do career wise.
I am also worried, that if the program i may be doing next year gets up and running that i will have to leave my one out of the house activity. At least, the only voluntary one.
It is not a good feeling. I am a worrier anyway but now i can't stop and i feel very hopeless. It is not normal for me. It was the one thing everyone always said to me, that i was good at having hope if nothing else. Now I don't even have that going for me.
I am concerned that even if i was to get a job that i would be to much of a bumbling idiot to hold onto it. I am not good at knowing what to do without constantly being told and it will probably annoy my future employer eventually.
I was good before, at getting up and getting things done. Have a shower, go out and get some sunlight. Get some writing done. Now it is so hard to want to do any of it. I don't know what the point is.
Maybe today is just an off day, or this is just a bad week. I have an audition on Friday... I cannot even imagine that i will get the role. But performing is all i have, i will not let go of it because if i do than i will truly be in a bad place.
Before... I wanted to be an Author so badly. I wanted to be a Youtuber and play with Photoshop which i used to enjoy. Now I don't care and that is the worst because i know i am supposed to.
I am afraid that there is something wrong but i am also afraid that nothing is wrong and that i am just a baby. Complaining about nothing. I am not even sure i will publish this post. Lest it sound like i am a whining child.
I dare not bring this up to my family, we have enough to worry about. They don't need my problems on top of their own. I will do my best to deal with it on my own. I have never liked asking for help. It makes me feel inferior..
You took a step...you published the post..never be afraid to ask for help. it isn't weakness. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, you've heard of this? the world is yours for the taking...so take it. Peace.
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