Challenges

You know, i spend not alot of time but maybe more time then other people. Thinking about my challenges in life.

Funnily enough my number one biggest challenge is myself. Its me that runs away with a conversation and can't shut up. Its me that can't do the maths, you know its not anyone else.

The thing that frustrates me the most is a part of Aspergers that i can't do much about. Its fact that my brain, a part of me can't seem to make the right connection with my fingers.

Its why i can't tie my shoelaces, its why i will do anything to avoid writing by hand. Its even part of why i can't get a job because alot of tasks aren't things i'm able to do with my clumsy hands.

If i want to do something, like write in a birthday card. I have to laser focus, take a deep breath and then slowly write it out. Its hard, it takes forever, and the end result is still a mess.

When i was in cadets you had to sign in. It meant writing your signature in the little book and i must have done it thousands of times.

One time, this new kid saw me do it and he couldn't help but comment on how my signature looked like it had been written by a Kindergartner.

It was a stupid comment made by someone who didn't know better and i should have brushed it off. I couldn't.

I stood there for about ten seconds and i didn't say anything. I have never been as angry as i was in those ten seconds.

My friend got the kid to apoligize, and i didn't show any sign of my anger, but i was just absolutely furious.

Not at the kid for pointing it out as much as at myself. Because even though there wasn't anything i could do about it. I blamed myself.

I am my own challenge, i have a lot of things that i need to learn not to blame myself for. Because blaming doesn't make it change.