Believe

I don't believe in giving up.

Yet I have felt what is like to not give up for so long that you eventually cave in.

Its like sliding backwards down a jagged mountain that took you months to climb.

I have tumbled down that mountain bruised and bloody again and again. Then I have stood up and started to climb again.

Sometimes i have thought that i would make it to the top but then i get there and the mountain has grown even taller. I'm far too slow.

I needed it to be pointed out to me before i understood that if i caved in it was not through lack of trying. That I tried harder than most people could stand.

That it was ok if I couldn't get there was never something i considered until it was shown to me that it was alright.

I have always held myself to incredibly high standards, but I have never been able to meet them. I have always looked at somthing i have done and picked out every single fault.

I have strived for perfection only to have what i held as perfect work thrown back in my face. It did not matter to the person who threw it that it took as much effort as climbing a mountain.

They saw only more faults, and so it is no surprise that all i can see is what they saw.

I

 do not believe in failure, but that is all i am capable of seeing in myself.

Touching Stuff

I really like to touch stuff, and not in the rude way.

I like to run my hands along the walls or pat the cat over and over again. Certain textures are so soothing for me. The little spaces between the keys on keyboards, carpet. Whenever I go to my Dads there's a rail on his stairs I really like. So i touch it whenever I'm going up the stairs or sometimes just stand for a minute with my hands on it.

I think there's a name for it that I can't remember right now when people who have Aspergers like touching stuff. I guess its part of how we manage in the world. My hands need to be doing something all the time so why not rub them on the carpet or play with my phone.

I really like to pat my cat and feel how the fur is different in different parts of their body. Their ear fur is really smooth and their belly fur is fluffy. Its really soft too.

I don't know why I thought I'd share it with you guys, but i guess i was just enjoying how my blankets feel and thought you guys might not know that it feels nice.

I belong in the background

I know i shouldn't compare myself to others. Especially my fellow cast members in the production my drama group is putting on.

Except, I look at all the other girls and think 'they would all be better at my role than me' I can't help thinking that the play would be better if i wasn't a lead.

I don't think i'm someone whose meant to be anything other than a background character. I'm just not... Not lead material.

I'm not the main lead, in fact i'm the lead with the least line, and the only one without their own song. I still feel like i'm bringing the show down in quality just by being in it.

I know its not true. Because i've been in alot of plays and they were good and they were fun.

I feel like the me that was in those plays was alot more confident in herself and cared alot less about how she sounded and what her dancing looked like.

Now i just pick out every thing i did wrong or every time i had to be corrected and mark this rehersal as a failure.

Acting has always been my escape, and now it feels like i'm the worst person to ever do it.

Noise

When I was young I used to get quite anxious. Being the early 2000s nothing was really done about it but my Mum hated it when I got scared so I tended to run and hide with Dad. Or keep it to myself.

I do meditation now to try and keep a handle on it but whenever something happens I never seem to be able to not panic. I'd like to, but I can't do it. 

Its not my fault, I know its not. Yet I always feel like it is and it can be embarrasing especially in public. People don't really understand why you choose to exclude yourself from parties or social gatherings.

I'd definetly rather stay at home than explain to someone that I don't just 'not like' crowded places. That it makes me feel like i can't breathe. Then i'd just get weird looks and probably try and leave so i could escape.

I guess i'm not the going out type which would be fine if everyone else my age was sitting at home writing a novel as well. Except that they aren't.

If they are, they are probably better than me and already published anyway.