Emotional pain

This last year you wouldn't think outwardly has been hard for me. No ones passed away or being very sick, i haven't moved or had a break up or anything really.

Despite all of that though on the inside i feel like someone has been slowly roasting me on a spit. I feel like a wreck, i am in actual mental pain. I have been for a very long time.

I'm mostly in the closet and carrying that around all the time, i'm probably depressed but i don't really know. I mean I don't really know about any of this, i could just be a big baby this could be how everyone feels but how would i know?

It hurts my heart to feel so much turmoil and know that i could reach out but also that I won't. I know from past experience that i'll just let it keep going until i can't anymore.

I stopped self harming just over a year ago and its been bloody hard. I don't know why but it has. I feel like I am being tortured and yet i'm willing to cause myself real pain? Why?

I've been desperately holding it in, i'm good at that. Squashing it down bottling it up. Except for late at night when it gets so hard to keep it in.

Music helps me to hold on, it gives me something else to focus on. How long will this work though? How long before things go pear shaped?

I don't want to talk, even on here about some of the thoughts i've had. I'm not going to follow them though i'm not going anywhere. For the moment.

This is bad though even if this is normal its definetly getting worse. I keep waiting and waiting but what for? What could possibly happen that could relieve it? I don't know.

I have work tomorrow so i'm going to bed. It always gets worse when my youth club is finished for the year. Guess thats another way i hold it back.

Until next time guys