Challenges

You know, i spend not alot of time but maybe more time then other people. Thinking about my challenges in life.

Funnily enough my number one biggest challenge is myself. Its me that runs away with a conversation and can't shut up. Its me that can't do the maths, you know its not anyone else.

The thing that frustrates me the most is a part of Aspergers that i can't do much about. Its fact that my brain, a part of me can't seem to make the right connection with my fingers.

Its why i can't tie my shoelaces, its why i will do anything to avoid writing by hand. Its even part of why i can't get a job because alot of tasks aren't things i'm able to do with my clumsy hands.

If i want to do something, like write in a birthday card. I have to laser focus, take a deep breath and then slowly write it out. Its hard, it takes forever, and the end result is still a mess.

When i was in cadets you had to sign in. It meant writing your signature in the little book and i must have done it thousands of times.

One time, this new kid saw me do it and he couldn't help but comment on how my signature looked like it had been written by a Kindergartner.

It was a stupid comment made by someone who didn't know better and i should have brushed it off. I couldn't.

I stood there for about ten seconds and i didn't say anything. I have never been as angry as i was in those ten seconds.

My friend got the kid to apoligize, and i didn't show any sign of my anger, but i was just absolutely furious.

Not at the kid for pointing it out as much as at myself. Because even though there wasn't anything i could do about it. I blamed myself.

I am my own challenge, i have a lot of things that i need to learn not to blame myself for. Because blaming doesn't make it change.

What a World

If there is one thing that is to be learned from reading my blog. It is that i am a long way from understanding the world, and the world is centuries away from learning how to understand me.

The one thing i'm certain of is that i'll never do anything quite how one expects. I've always been that way. A little anxious and quiet at first, and then nothing like you would expect.

I don't think i fit in any one place, i'm just a mixture of everything and everywhere. I'm a little weird, and i get along better with computers and mugs of coffee then i do with people.

Thats alright though, because the people who i do get. Are kind people, with big hearts. They might not be quite what you'd expect from friends of mine. Thats fine.

I do love people, but I don't care what they think. It comes from being bullied as a kid, if i had cared about what the kids at school thought. Nothing good would ever have come of it.

They didn't get me, i wasn't meant to sit around and talk about boys. I don't like boys, I wanted to talk about interesting topics like Pyschology and Fantasy Novels. Those girls weren't the right people for that.

So many doors seem to have closed for me. Because all people see is a little young lady, with Aspergers and no mental filter.

I am ok with it for the most part because i don't really know what i want yet. Still, they should learn to save their judgement for after they've gotten to know me.

If they don't like me then thats fine, i don't care, but after i've had a fair shot at getting them to be my friend.

Tired of worrying

Anxiety is so tiring, it takes more energy then you would think to have every single worry possible running through your mind at the same time.

I've tried to go out somedays and gotten to the end of the driveway. Then turned around and gone home because i'm to anxious to face the world.

I try and distract myself when i can but sometimes like tonight i have to many worries so i can't not focus on them.

It sucks, it really, really sucks. People always think i'm overreacting but they don't understand that the little thing that i'm worried about isn't a little thing to me.

Its literally the only thing i am able to focus on so if you could just... i don't know reassure me or something instead of getting frustrated that would be great.

I guess worrying is what i do best but it shouldn't be.

Tolerate It

You will never understand how much it hurts my ears and my brain.

You'll never understand because you can't, and some days my ears and my brain are full and i can't hear or see anything until they are empty.

All you can do is be mad. Because somehow you don't get full in your ears and the noise doesn't hurt.

Some days i just have to stop. And i just want you to say ok and not be mad because its not something i can do anything about.

Don't tell me to 'tolerate it' because it doesn't work like that and your just going to cause me pain. I'm going to end up crying with my hands over my ears. Why can't you just understand?

I don't want to embarras myself, i'd rather recuperate and be able to not cry in front of everyone and then get blamed by you.

The World is Great

This may be very tired me talking but the world is pretty Great.

Yeh, it has a lot of things it can improve on, but i mean, its not all bad.

Firstly there is kittycats in the world. And coffee. Mmmmm Coffee...

Also dogs, i love when you get home and no matter what they are always so excited to see you!

Its also filled with some pretty awsome people. My sisters are annoying as hell sometimes, but i couldn't live without them.

Also Rainbows, and the sound of rain outside when your inside. New book smell and the warmth and dust of Kitten smell.

Yeh the worlds cool.... and stuff.

Can I marry my Morning Coffee?

I wonder if anyone, considering the amount of weird stuff that happens in the world. Has ever literally married a cup of coffee.

Because Damn, i love coffee. I mean like i didn't start drinking it until like my last year of high school. Because thats when my writing got serious.

I don't need coffee to write. But its sort of a ritual now to make myself a hot cuppa before i sit down to write. Man i wish i had my own office.

I'm awful at using coffee machines but the instant stuff is fine by me. We do have a coffee machine. I'm just paranoid i'll break it if i touch it.

Do you guys like coffee? Because most people i know actually don't like it... which is weird to me.

I'm tired of being tired

I'm tired. I'm so so tired, but not from lack of sleep. Ok, maybe if i went to bed at Nine instead of Ten I wouldn't fall asleep reading.

I just... I'm not physically tired even though it feels like it a lot. Its all upstairs in my mind. I'm tired deep inside my brain.

Its takes so much effort to do things these days. Its hard to find the enthusiasm or motivation for doing activities or seeing people. I try to distract myself, stay busy and all that but its not exactly a miracle cure.

For my entire schooling life. I could not tire mentally, I had to keep going at full throttle just to keep up. Only when I didn't have to anymore did I realize what I had done. I used everything, so now I don't have anything left.

I'm supposed to be filling up my time with... stuff. I don't want to though its so hard just to do what I already do. A lot of the time i know I'm supposed to want to go to these things. I know I used to enjoy them.

I hate winter, its cold and wet and everything is darker. Harder.

This is what happened last year, granted I had a reason to fall down then after my cat died. This year it seems to have come for no reason at all. I wonder if winter has anything to do with it or if I'm just unlucky.

Probably unlucky. Knowing me.