Novelling

I write every day, sometimes its a new project or it might be another chapter for an older project.

I do it because i have a.... i guess a need to put something on paper. To be creative in some way, to write something. Anything.

Maybe it won't be a job, maybe i'll be writing story after story for no one. But thats fine.

I'm not doing it for anyone, i'm doing it because like acting i cannot live without it. My life would not be anything.

I love to write, and i don't care if other people don't like what i write. I'm not doing it for them.

I wish Winter would leave

Winter just got here and i'm sick of it already. Its been nothing but rain, rain, and more rain.

At least in other parts of the world you might get some snow to look at. But we don't unfortunately.

We just get rain, wet, cold, constant rain... and my cat does not understand the concept of staying dry.

He comes inside soaking wet and smelling of wet cat... which has a smell by the way.

I can't wait for summer to come back... i need heat to survive.

What do I worry about?

Ah late night worries, or early morning worries, or every day all the time worries. Everyone has them but when you 'choose' to be a writer and maybe a one day published author you get your own special set.

Like, what if i finish? Now you'd think tat would be the goal to finish writing the book. But then you have these characters who you know inside out and who you are connected to, and suddenly you don't have them. Because your finished.

And then there's the What ifs. What if its stupid? What if no one likes it? What if i never get to publish it? What if my computer breaks?

Plus everyone knows that for every like a hundred hopeful writers hardly any actually get published. And even if you get published, there's no guarntee your book will sell.

I guess you just have to go along and hope that your worrying for nothing. Because its not like you can see the future.

Things I am looking forward to

Hey guys, so to give me a bit of a pick me up and something to refer back to later on if I need Motivating. I'm making a list of things I'm looking forward to, some of them may never happen, but a girl is allowed to dream.

1. The day my cat stops meowing, Every.Single.Night. I want him to relax and not Meow from 6pm until 9pm because he wants to go outside.

2. Supernova, and when I finally have my costume organized. As expensive as it will be, I'm getting something signed or a photo with Rubberninja, i do not care how many chores I have to do. or how big the line is.

3. When I make a coffee perfectly and don't put too much water in the cup.

4. The day that I never ever have to go into Centrelink again.

5. When I finish coloring in Severus Snape. Whose been a real pain in the butt to colour.

6. Turning 20, even though I do not want to be halfway to 40. At all.

7. Dying my hair back to red, because i love it when its that colour it looks great.

8. Mornings where I have a coffee and the cat and the dog are on my bed and its raining. Peaceful.

9. Getting to chapter 30 in my book.

Its harder then you think

Have you ever had to act like someone completely different in order to be accepted by society?

Have you ever felt the consquences of mistakes you didn't know you were making?

Every day i have to clean up after my own mistakes. I have to put clothes on the right way after i put them on wrong.

I have to avoid shoelaces at all costs or spend ten minutes bright red in the face as i try to do them up. Until someone else offers to do it and i watch and think "how do you do that?"

I have to feel like a child and an adult at the same time and remind myself for the millionth time not to pull my hair.

I put my hand down to stop myself touching my face but then it flys back up like it has a mind of its own.

I have to feel like i never get to say anything that i'm thinking even though I can't stop talking.

I have to walk through life trying so hard to give off an image of a normal person, and then whenever i think i've done it, find out that they actually could tell. They just didn't want to say anything.

I wander around the house trying to remember all the jobs and all the things i can do to help... and always forgetting the most important ones.

I have to be frustrated because i'm nearly 20 and i can't walk to the local shops because i'm scared of getting lost.

I have to remember all the times in school where things didn't go right and it wasn't my fault cause no one knew what was wrong with me.

I remember all the people who didn't care that i was weird and liked me anyway. I have to remember cause there weren't many of them but they were very special.

I have to hope that things won't be so confusing and hard one day, because people will understand.

I hope i can help you understand.

What i wish people understood about Aspergers and Depression

As a 19 year old woman, a lot of things are expected of me. That I dress propery and drive a car and have a 9-5 job.

I also have Aspergers and often feel 'low' or depressed. These are the things i wish people would understand about it.

1. As someone with Aspergers I often don't know how to vocalize my feelings. I feel something and it gets me down but i don't know how to communicate it.

2. Even if I don't look depressed it doesn't mean that everything is magically fixed. Some days are better then others and i don't often allow what i feel to surface.

3. Some days, the fact that the only thing i did was have a shower and clean up the kitchen. Is an accomplishment. Because it took me an hour to get up out of bed.

4. sometimes i listen to same song over and over and over or ask the same question 5 times. I'm not being annoying, i'm anxious or looking for comfort in hearing your answer be the same over and over.

5. Even though your all so excited to get me a paying job, i struggle to share your joy. Because i just want to walk away from everything and curl up in a ball. Even though i know its wrong.

6 . Having Aspergers means i don't have many friends, but having depression means i need people asking me how i am and listening when i want to talk.

4.

Coffee and Parents

I never used to like Coffee, I mean I just didn't understand why people drank something that tasted like licking dirt. Then at my year 12 retreat, it was really, really cold, and i was really really tired.

They allowed us to use their kettle and mugs but the only kind of hot drink we could make was instant coffee. So I made one, and i wrapped my cold hands around the warm mug and that was the beginning of my love for coffee.

Now I'll easily have one or two a day, white, no sugar. Unless I'm at my dads because he has a fancy coffee machine and fancy coffee tastes better with sugar in it.

I have to decide if I'm going to go over to his for the next school holidays, I mean I do but I don't. A friend from High School said he's coming to Perth in July and if I didn't get to catch up because I was at Dads I'd be so annoyed.

I like that I get to choose when I go, but i also hate it because then it feels like I have to choose which parent to make happy and which one is going to be disappointed.

I hope I'm able to make a decision that causes the least amount of tension possible.