No more of 'I wonder if this is as good as theirs'

I go back and forth alot, in what i think about my work and what i think about myself.

You know, i compare myself to other writers and i sit and i think "i have to be as good as them. I have to be better than them" until today.

Today i was reminded, and i'm sure i will need reminding many times in the future. That No. I do not have to be better than anyone. I don't have to hold myself to their standards.

I only have to be as good as i can be. And that is something that i have struggled with, because i've always been trying to fit in.

Its a part of having difficulties at school, you know i just wanted to be the same as everyone else. I just wanted to be able to kick a ball like they could. In the exact same way as them.

So i held myself to their standards and i was only happy if i had the approval of my peers. And i ran myself into the ground trying to reach their level. Trying to win their approval.

I couldn't, and i never did. Because even if i was doing my best i always felt like it wasn't good enough. I'd put 110% into acting which is something that i love, and i still got a D.

So then i didn't know what to do anymore, because putting everything into what i wanted had worked in the past and now it wasn't good enough.

Then I did volunteer work and putting everything into that didn't put me at everyone elses level either. In fact, i felt incredibly inadequate compared to the other workers.

So, i quit everything. I let myself fall into a deep hole. There may have been other factors. You know my cat passed away quite suddenly and it was a difficult time.

But really, every time i've fallen down. Its because i have tried so hard to meet others standards that i have burned out.

This has only happened because i worry too much about what they think. Because i hate feeling inadequate or like i can't do something.

So i know, that only holding myself to my own standards and not worrying about other people or comparing myself might be hard. Especially as a writer. I might not always get it right.

But it will take so much burden off of me, and i won't be as inclined to fall and not get up again. You know resilence only gets you so far.

Wanting to prove yourself to the people who doubt you. 'Fuck you' energy, that only goes so far. It won't push you as far as you want to go.

You can get there. Only if you get yourself there. Because you believed in yourself and you didn't hold yourself down.

Anxiety and Comparisions

Sitting outside in the sun, the anxieties of last night seem really far away. Even though it would take very little to bring them straight back.

One rule of writing is never compare yourself to other writers, especially if they are published and you are not. Because they have an entire team helping them make this novel, and you only have you.

If you want to salvage any of your self esteem. Don't compare. Not that its easy to avoid. We all compare ourselves to others constantly. Seeing how we measure up compared to them.

Having anxiety doesn't make my writing better, even though there's alot of talk about how being mentally ill and creative are linked.

It doesn't make your work of better quality and it certainly doesn't give you an edge over other creative people.

It just isn't true.

I am Depression

I am Depression
I'm like a lion in the long grass
You can't see me,
And i sneak up on you so quietly
You'll never know i'm coming.

I am Depression
I am a poison
I seep into your blood
Into your breath
Until i am you. All of you.

I am Depression
I steal all the colour from the world
I make you so tired…
I take and take and take
I take everything.

I am Depression
I can be fatal
Because I am patient
As long as your heart beats
I'm still there.

I am Depression
I don't need to be here
I only weigh you down
I can be so heavy if you carry me
Alone.

I am Depression
One day i will be banished
And the colour will slowly return for us
But until then you just have to remember
I can't hold you forever.

'Don't worry'

People tell me that I shouldn't worry, bu the only time I can't is when I've had alcohol so really it seems pointless.

Usually its said an exasperated way, as if they are so sick of having to reassure the anxious person. As if somehow its my fault. Actually that's usually why i stop expressing my worry, because it feels like somehow its my fault and I'd rather just shut up.

It doesn't seem to occur to them that if they took it seriously and stopped making a joke out of it, i might believe them when they said 'Don't worry, it's fine'.

I might be being unfair because its not their fault they don't know about the Meditation i have to do every night to keep as much of a hold on my anxiety as i can. Or the fact that sometimes it's so bad that I will gag simply as a nervous response when I'm doing something that makes me anxious. or the six months of therapy I had just to combat that particular symptom.

They just see the things I'm afraid of, storms, crowds, making phone calls. Leaving the dog and the cat to fend for themselves for any length of time. They make fun of it, or tell me to relax as if that's somehow an option.

Obviously they don't know anything about Anxiety or the things that make it worse. See, this is what ignorance does. This is why educating people is important, so they know what to say and what they shouldn't say.

Creative writing when you are Creative

When you are a creative person but you are also a writer. You bring yourself to the most unsavory of contradictions.

By that I mean, as a writer you see the one way that the story is going. You are taught to see the beginning, middle, and end as they will be. One path.

As a creative person you look at a completed story, and see all the other ways it could have been told. Because you are all about new ways of doing things and new ideas and expression.

So then you doubt yourself, which as a writer you are likely to do anyway. You put yourself down and convincd yourself that whatever is on the screen in front of you is crap.

Its like having two ideas at the same time that are almost completely opposite.

It is hard.

What Depression Feels Like

It's exhausting. You don't even have to be doing anything. You just want to lie down and shut out the world for as long as possible.

You don't feel anything, its a dense fog that traps the darkness inside of you. It keeps the light from coming in but also stops the darkness from getting out. So on the surface you can't even tell.

Going out, having a shower, doing anything productive takes so much effort. Some days it seems impossible.

Nothing feels like it has a point, you just can't see why you should continue with things that you used to love to do.

You know that you should be excited but you can't. Alot of the time, Depression isn't sadness, its just numbness. Its feeling nothing all the time. Wanting to be alone. It's not talking to your friends for weeks at a time.

Its making up excuses to have naps and leaving projects unfinished. Its good at hiding and convincing you that you don't need help.

It feels like treading water and not being able to reach the surface when you should. It feels almost like drowning.

Showers help me Write

I start off any day where I actually plan on being productive with a steaming hot shower ( if there's any hot water left after my sisters go to school)

I stand under the water, and think through plot holes, character development and future plot. It helps me to make important decisions regarding the direction of my novel.

It usually goes in a specific order. Shower, Coffee, writing. Because the first two steps make the third one possible. If only by helping me feel human and not want to go back to bed.

All hail the power of the morning routine.

A better week

This has been a good week. A better week, the sun has been out basically every day. I haven't had any writers block and my hands haven't hurt at all. It has been bliss.

As I write this my cat is sitting beside me purring and the sun is poking through my blinds. It is peaceful today.

Sure, the clown thing that seems to be everywhere is freaknig me out but they can't get me if I'm inside

. One awesome game and one amazing demo are dropping this week! The Outlast 2 demo dropped on Tuesday night and man.... If I wasn't already hyped for the game to come out in Autumn I am hyped now.

Five Nights at Freddy's: Sister Location drops tomorrow, I have been waiting for a new FNAF game to come out since forever. I cannot wait to see what scares and lore Scott has thought up in his newest creation. What I have seen so far looks horrifingly amazing.

I love October, especially Halloween.

Here's to getting Spooked!