queen of the wobbles

My kitten is not ver well at the moment, she's got the wobbles, her brains been damaged from a blood clot so she can't control her back legs very well and she pees everywhere! My poor little girl unfortunately the only thing we can do is make her comfterable for the time she has left.

She is only 10 months old, too little for this to happen to her and i'm going to miss her so much when we eventually have to put her down. I don't want her to suffer though so i know it's for the best.

Dangerous by Micheal Jackson is my new favorite song at the moment, it's got a dark edge to it that i feel suits my thoughts lately. I've been a self harmer in the past and the 'itch' to do it again with everything thats been happening is pretty intense. Music helps distract me.

I hope everyones doing ok out there or at least better then i am. A new episode of The Flash comes out on Wednesday so expect a post about how awesome it is on Thursday.

Hopeful

This is going to sound stupid, but i am proud that i got hit on today by some random guy at TAFE. It's probably not something most people would consider a good thing but it's not something that happens to me very often.

For once I don't feel dumb, I know that i've still got a truckload of assignments i have to do that i haven't done yet. I know that my future is murky at best and that the next few years will be the hardest of my life but I have been uplifted by watching The Flash and the way Barry Allen throws everything he has at the obstacles he faces.

So even if life throws so many obstacles at me that i need super speed like Barry's to keep up with it i'll at least give it a go. Because that's what Barry would do... and he's so awesome why wouldn't you want to be like him?

Warmth

Life has been ok lately, which is an improvement to the past definitely. There is one good thing about doing a TAFE certificate which is that it gives you something to do and sometimes your so busy you don't have time to think.

I've been struggling a little this month emotionally but i've had lots of performances to give me something to look forward to so thats been a real help with everything. I don't think I would cope very well without that way of venting.

My kitten is getting bigger and bigger every day and she is very cute. If she would learn not to lie on Mummys airway that would be good but small steps are fine until the day i choke to death on cat fur.

I wish I had more to tell you guys, but my life isn't really that exciting though if your reading this you must disagree at least to some extent.

Honestly

When you don't feel like you can be completely honest on your own blog it doesn't make you want to post stuff much.

You can't trust the internet to keep its mouth shut, and i never know when one of my family members might decide to snoop in here and see what i've been saying. My old blog was great i kept it a secret for ages and i could say whatever i wanted without worrying who might be reading it.

These days though you can't trust anything really. My generation is Gen Z but I think we need a name change.

We should be called the Blue Generation because so many of my peers have fallen into the dark hole of Depression.

I myself have been there this past year and I have no wish to go there again although i feel it is bound to happen at some point.

I bore the burden of it alone for awhile and eventually turned to self harm in order to feel something.. anything. I was not alone in this for I have found that a extraordinary numbers of my peers had done this also.. in their own ways.

One day I will put all my thoughts together instead of jumbling them and turn it into an autobiography that I want to title My life as a closeted Aspie. There will be so much more then my Aspergers discussed in those pages though and perhaps it will help people to see the depth to which someone with Aspergers can feel.

It's a myth that we don't feel we most definitely do, sometimes more deeply then others, we just aren't as good as sharing it in a expected way. We do express ourselves just not how you might expect. Our cries are usually dismissed because they might occur during our meltdowns or we might not outwardly express them at all.

We are people the same as the rest of you, and as diverse as the rest of you. We are tall, short, fat, skinny, old, young.

We are every race and sexuality that you are and we are so much more common then you would think. I have met many like me at various places on the line of the Autism Spectrum. Some people you would never know if they didn't tell you, others its plain even to someone like me.

We want the same things as you, the way we go about achieving them might just be a little different and different is fine as long as we get where we want to go.

once again

Ok I'm not even going to try and make up an excuse for not blogging for over a month.. To be honest i just haven't felt like it.

I tried to.. have a particular conversation that I'd been wanting to have for a long time with my mum but i got a bit emotional and it didn't go how I wanted it to. At all. I don't think i explained myself very well and i didn't get the reaction i was hoping for.

So now I have to be patient and give her time to either come to terms with it and i don't know if she ever will. Kind of sucks but i knew this could happen and i'm willing it wait. I mean I've been waiting since i was like fifteen to have that conversation so i guess i can wait a while longer.

It hasn't bee easy though i wrote a poem with a LOT of swear words in it the other day.. guess i won't be entering that in any writing competitions but i was just really frustrated and it was better to write it down then for it to come out of my mouth.

My mum has enough stress and even though i'd like to follow up the conversation and air it out a bit i don't want to make her more stressed. Especially since the vibe i took from the conversation was ' I'm not ready to have this conversation and i don't want to think about this right now'.

But i'm ready, i've been ready for so long. All the research i've done told me that i should feel good after having that conversation, like a weight has lifted off me. Unfortunately my weight just seemed to get heavier after that. Cause now mum knows but she has stuck her head in the sand and i'm no closer to feeling free.

I don't want things to be how they were a few months ago i don't want to go to that dark place again. TAFE is starting, it's going to be stressful, to give myself the best chance of succeeding i have to be as not anxious, not stressed, not depressed as possible at the start.

But i'm closer to the edge of that hole, i can feel it. The heavier that weight gets the closer it pushes me to that point where i'll do anything for some relief. This isn't something i can rush, to get the best response out of people i have to go slow, but i just want to yell it out for everyone to hear to hell with how they'll react.

Patience is a virtue, and i don't have a lot of it,

hey guys

Hey guys so i basically fell off the face of the blogging world for awhile because i'm not really the blog on a regular schedule type of person. Yeh no other excuses, sorry.

I was re reading some of my old fan fictions and thinking man am I awesome or what? when I realized its been like three months since i posted here.. oops!

In the last three months I have finished school, gotten Harper FINALLY! and discovered Watermelon cruisers.

I have read the first book of the Divergent series, lots of fan fictions, and lots of Facebook posts.

I have had really bad allergies caused by the flowers that all went hey it's Spring better start throwing our pollen in the air and make Raven's eyes swell shut and her nose run like crazy

I have watched the Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo movie like ten times on repeat because Cartoon Network refuses to replace the little kiddie version of it they are airing with the actual series.

Well thats basically whats happened lately in my life so i guess i better go.

Merry Christmaas blog readers!

down the hole

i've fallen into a hole and it is really dark down here. It dark and scary and i don't want to be here! i feel like i want to cry all the time but nothing will come out. So i've found another way of expressing my pain that doesn't make me feel empty in fact its the opposite for a few minutes i can feel my pain for real instead of feeling nothing,